OMG LYK H0W BIGZ YER DiCK????????????
TRACY FANCYZ YER LYK CRAZEE
These are some common questions I get asked.
1) "What would be your preferred weapon available to hand in a house if a zombie apocalypse approached?"
I have two crutches in my flat, I'd get one of the crutches, some gaffa tape and a large knife and sellotape the knife to the crutch, voila, a weapon, both sturdy and versatile, which delivers painful blows without getting too close for comfort with the Z words.
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2) "Who do you fancy?"
I hate the word 'fancy', it sounds too childish, 'love' sounds like we're getting married, 'who do you like the look of' sounds like I'm picking her from a prize raffle. And 'who'd you like to bone', less said the better. One of my friends said that I'm a mental man whore, which means that I say I like a few people, but do nothing about it therefore making me a mental man whore, avoiding the much revered title of physical man whore. I fancy (eurgh) a 3 people, but I really really like 1 of them. But as I said, nothing shall be done about this. So go away.
3) ""Whats your favourite food, fatty?"
Thanks mum. My favourite food at the moment is probably the three me and my housemate Ben have been buying the last few weeks or so, which are UGO panini things, Morrisons Aromatic Duck, Pancakes, and Hoi Sin Sauce, and last but not least, nachos and cheese and salsa. OMNONOMNOMNOM. I tend to chuck everything in a blender, add some water and drink it as a liquid. It saves on the whole chewing business.
4) "Would you like cashback sir?"
No, hand me my receipt and card, wench.
Now, get off your arse and ask me questions.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
BELGIAN ISLAMICS LOOK ANGRY. POSSIBLY.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8652861.stm
I DON'T WANT HD UPGRADE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8648725.stm
WHO LET HELEN KELLER DRIVE?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8652301.stm
SCOTLAND? ANTI SOCIAL? SHOCK STORY
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/8651149.stm
Love and that annoying one from Over The Rainbow with the gap in her teeth, I don't watch it, its just weird. But I've seen her.
Jc
2 comments:
With regards to your question one, I feel that in the unlikely event of a zombie apocalypse, your weapon choice would soon prove itself to be unwise.
As everyone knows, the only known method of effective termination for a member of the living dead is cerebral neutralisation and/or decapitation. Whilst your weapon choice may have considerable reach, the gaffa tape joint would likely lack the stability neccessary to puncture multiple human skulls without breaking. In an encounter with a large group of the living dead, the chances of keeping all of them at the distance required is rather slim. There are however, alternative weapons every civilian should have somewhere in their home.
The best of these choices is likely the humble crowbar. Though it lacks the length of the crutch-knife, it has incredible durability, as well as a pointed, curved end, ideal for dealing massive damage to key points in the brain.
It's also far more versatile. Even when not engaged when the undead, the crowbar is a useful tool for navigating any urban areas where locked doors and windows are commonplace.
That's just a suggestion though, I haven't thought about this much.
What absolutely makes this comment hilarious is the last sentence;
"That's just a suggestion though, I haven't thought about this much."
I havent got a crowbar though :( i do however have a quite nice selection of German handguns...
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