HELLO YOU DULL DOLDRUMS
I've had a haircut, I now look like a cross between Phil Mitchell and Johnny Vegas, instead of Derren Brown and Johnny Vegas. For this, I am unhappy.
Its 2 weeks till I leave for Lancaster to the University of Cumbria, I refuse to call it UCUM for the obvious reason. Telling my family that I've just been accepted at UCUM made me feel like I've just told them a dirty little sexual secret.
I've got an irrational fear of words that have 'ph' in. I've just never known what the name for it is.
My mum applied at Barnados Foster Care thing a good half a year ago, and finally we now have a person living with us, for obvious reasons I can't say a lot, but she's 20, she's a lovely girl, and I hope she's happy where she is and I hope my mum and her get a long swimmingly when I leave for Uni. I just hope my first month or so at Cumbria Uni goes easier than the one at Edge Hill, I had real problems the first month of Uni in Ormskirk, I mainly just stayed in my room and/or drank on my own, not that that wasn't fun but its not the most enjoyable or safest of ways to integrate yourself around new people. I just can't shake the feeling that everything is going a little too perfect, readers will know that I'm a positive person, but I know myself and I know my life, and all the times there's something around the corner waiting to pick me up and hurl me a few spaces back.
As it's bank holiday, I'm really hoping that DFS has a sale on. Fingers crossed!
Right I'm off, got work to do, got pink wafers too eat and got films too watch. And Countdowns on in a minute and I like to see if Rachel Riley is wearing a revealing dress.
Love and two from the top.
Jc
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Awards.
Set your vaginas on standby ladies, why? I have no idea.
What I do know is that I've recently come back from Leeds Festival, stinking, bruised and covered in a layer of sweat, pink wafers, and Los Dios red wine.
What better and more attention seeking way of saying how fucking awesome it was, than by giving out pretend awards for stupid reasons. NONE. That's what.
THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NON-MUSICAL SOUND HEARD AT THE FESTIVAL
Greg Roscows magnificent throw of an empty Taurus cider can colliding with the petite head of a 17 year old girl. The 'clung' sound shall remain with me forever.
THE AWARD FOR THE BEST INSULT HEARD ALL WEEKEND
Cypress Hill's very own B-Real towards Sen-Dog, "Ladies, piss on his moustache and shit on his chest, its the dirtiest of all the dogs, its Sen-Dog!"
THE MOST HOMOEROTIC COUPLE
Tom Dingle and Luke Woods. 'Nuff said.
THE MAIN STAGE BEST PERFORMANCE
Weezer were absolutely fucking amazing, Rivers Cuomo putting on a fucking awesome lead man performance and interacting with the crowd like its the bands last gig. Unlike some other bands they really put some work into their set, doing covers of Wheatus, Lady Gaga and MGMT.
Honorable Mentions - Blink 182, Arcade Fire
THE NME STAGE BEST PERFORMANCE
Now this is made for LCD Soundsystem, the only band I really wanted to see at Leeds and they did not disappoint, playing the fan favourites, the songs we wanted to hear, however hard they'd be to recreate, it paid off with a fantastic performance of 'Daft Punk Is Playing At My House' and the crowd-destroying, barrier-breaking, amp-blowing version of 'Yeah (Crass Version)'
Honorable mentions - Crystal Castles, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
THE ALTERMATIVE STAGE BEST PERFORMANCE
Angelos Epithemiou, I'll never again see a grown man dance nearly naked to Mud's 'Tiger Feet'. And that, dear lemmings, is a fucking shame. Jaw-hurtingly funny.
Honorable mentions - Kevin Bridges
That'll do I think.
Will blog later if can be arsed, something worthwhile reading maybe, depends how I feel.
Love and £3.49 wine, bargain.
Jc
What I do know is that I've recently come back from Leeds Festival, stinking, bruised and covered in a layer of sweat, pink wafers, and Los Dios red wine.
What better and more attention seeking way of saying how fucking awesome it was, than by giving out pretend awards for stupid reasons. NONE. That's what.
THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NON-MUSICAL SOUND HEARD AT THE FESTIVAL
Greg Roscows magnificent throw of an empty Taurus cider can colliding with the petite head of a 17 year old girl. The 'clung' sound shall remain with me forever.
THE AWARD FOR THE BEST INSULT HEARD ALL WEEKEND
Cypress Hill's very own B-Real towards Sen-Dog, "Ladies, piss on his moustache and shit on his chest, its the dirtiest of all the dogs, its Sen-Dog!"
THE MOST HOMOEROTIC COUPLE
Tom Dingle and Luke Woods. 'Nuff said.
THE MAIN STAGE BEST PERFORMANCE
Weezer were absolutely fucking amazing, Rivers Cuomo putting on a fucking awesome lead man performance and interacting with the crowd like its the bands last gig. Unlike some other bands they really put some work into their set, doing covers of Wheatus, Lady Gaga and MGMT.
Honorable Mentions - Blink 182, Arcade Fire
THE NME STAGE BEST PERFORMANCE
Now this is made for LCD Soundsystem, the only band I really wanted to see at Leeds and they did not disappoint, playing the fan favourites, the songs we wanted to hear, however hard they'd be to recreate, it paid off with a fantastic performance of 'Daft Punk Is Playing At My House' and the crowd-destroying, barrier-breaking, amp-blowing version of 'Yeah (Crass Version)'
Honorable mentions - Crystal Castles, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
THE ALTERMATIVE STAGE BEST PERFORMANCE
Angelos Epithemiou, I'll never again see a grown man dance nearly naked to Mud's 'Tiger Feet'. And that, dear lemmings, is a fucking shame. Jaw-hurtingly funny.
Honorable mentions - Kevin Bridges
That'll do I think.
Will blog later if can be arsed, something worthwhile reading maybe, depends how I feel.
Love and £3.49 wine, bargain.
Jc
Thursday 19 August 2010
Ramblings of a madman, persuasiveness of a cougar
Here is my facebook status from 8am this morning, and the comments that follow;
Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings The timetable for my ringing today is ManMet, LJMU, Salford, Cumbria, Edge Hill, Liverpool Hope, UCLan and Lancaster. Opening times are a bitch. My hearts going mental. I DO NOT DO NERVOUS.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings I got a callback from Cumbria - Will find out later if I'm offered a place
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings Callback from UCLan
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings "We apologise for the delay, please hold, and we will be with you shortly"
Cock.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings Really big important callback from LJMU later on.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat CanningsKnockback from ManMet. No courses available on Salford and Lancaster. Down to 5. Receiving callbacks from 4, can't get through to Liverpool Hope.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat CanningsI doth venture south.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings I NO LONGER CARE THAT IM TALKING TO MYSELF
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings the welsh are funny
I go mental when I'm stressed, it's just like when I used to play rugby, rugby stressed me, I don't like dirt, and having to touch everything equal amounts on each hand on that kind of sport is hard. I had to run up to random players and discreetly touch their head or shirt just so my mind would shut the fuck up. Gave a good impression to the opposition though, people though I'd actually lost my mind. Loved it.
I dont get stressed or nervous often, I'd say once a month or something, but when I do, it just tumbles out of me like a wet fart.
I've been accepted on a Cumbria University course and a Nottingham Uni course as well. I'm thinking of going for the Cumbria course, because its the course I wanted to do and its in Lancaster, a town I really really love. I'm getting upset writing this though, my dear arsehole readers, I'm possibly going to be saying goodbye to a load of mates I love a lot, and housemates I love even more. I don't know how I'm going to tell, them. They won't be that bothered I'm sure but I will be, they've kept me sane through the nervous and stressful times, and insane during the quiet times. Just how I like it.
Love and hard goodbyes
Jc
Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings The timetable for my ringing today is ManMet, LJMU, Salford, Cumbria, Edge Hill, Liverpool Hope, UCLan and Lancaster. Opening times are a bitch. My hearts going mental. I DO NOT DO NERVOUS.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings I got a callback from Cumbria - Will find out later if I'm offered a place
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings Callback from UCLan
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings "We apologise for the delay, please hold, and we will be with you shortly"
Cock.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings Really big important callback from LJMU later on.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat CanningsKnockback from ManMet. No courses available on Salford and Lancaster. Down to 5. Receiving callbacks from 4, can't get through to Liverpool Hope.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat CanningsI doth venture south.
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings I NO LONGER CARE THAT IM TALKING TO MYSELF
>>>Joshua-Charles Battlecat Cannings the welsh are funny
I go mental when I'm stressed, it's just like when I used to play rugby, rugby stressed me, I don't like dirt, and having to touch everything equal amounts on each hand on that kind of sport is hard. I had to run up to random players and discreetly touch their head or shirt just so my mind would shut the fuck up. Gave a good impression to the opposition though, people though I'd actually lost my mind. Loved it.
I dont get stressed or nervous often, I'd say once a month or something, but when I do, it just tumbles out of me like a wet fart.
I've been accepted on a Cumbria University course and a Nottingham Uni course as well. I'm thinking of going for the Cumbria course, because its the course I wanted to do and its in Lancaster, a town I really really love. I'm getting upset writing this though, my dear arsehole readers, I'm possibly going to be saying goodbye to a load of mates I love a lot, and housemates I love even more. I don't know how I'm going to tell, them. They won't be that bothered I'm sure but I will be, they've kept me sane through the nervous and stressful times, and insane during the quiet times. Just how I like it.
Love and hard goodbyes
Jc
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Well we've been here before haven't we.
Whattup you uggers.
I'm applying through clearing again, the last chance saloon for the mistreated and lazy. Got 8 unis lined up, including Edge Hill, which I shall ring first to see what they can offer me. Then the other 7 after that, to see if they want me. Whilst having zero to none qualifications except for brilliant (well, good enough) GCSEs and a scraped-through English A-Level.
The only reason i got into Edge Hill was because of my awesome phone manner, I'm blowing my trumpet I know, fuck it I'm blowing the whole god damn orchestra, but its definitely true. I have the gift of the gab which I got from my grandad and has seemed to skip a whole generation in my Nan and Grandads kids. Namely my Mum, aunties, uncles and whoever else I may or may not know about.
University is extremely hard. We work 11 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 2 weeks a year.
I'm honestly going to cry for hours on end if I don't get into a university full time this year. I just don't think I could take it at all. I'm worried whats going to happen to me. Seriously worried. 'm trying to take my mind off it, but I can't do anything but sit down and contemplate because of my dodgy ankle. In normal situations like this, I'd go out, play a sport, go to the shops, piss about with mates on hours on end. Its incredible the damage of having zero mobility can do to you.
Two of my uncles have gone to university. One became a secondary school teacher in Moss Side, Manchester. The other uncle quit university in the second year. He now works in a school. I'd be happy with that. I'd love to work in a school. But call it extraordinarily big headed of me, a hunch, or an explosion of my already large ego, but I've always thought I could make it big in whatever I'd do. I don't know whether other people feel this, but I know I'll do very well. I just want the second chance to try and use a university to make it to the big time.
You know you've put on weight when the only way you can eat Pringles is tipping them out of the tube.
I'm off, I need more DRUGS
Love and cocodamol
Jc
I'm applying through clearing again, the last chance saloon for the mistreated and lazy. Got 8 unis lined up, including Edge Hill, which I shall ring first to see what they can offer me. Then the other 7 after that, to see if they want me. Whilst having zero to none qualifications except for brilliant (well, good enough) GCSEs and a scraped-through English A-Level.
The only reason i got into Edge Hill was because of my awesome phone manner, I'm blowing my trumpet I know, fuck it I'm blowing the whole god damn orchestra, but its definitely true. I have the gift of the gab which I got from my grandad and has seemed to skip a whole generation in my Nan and Grandads kids. Namely my Mum, aunties, uncles and whoever else I may or may not know about.
University is extremely hard. We work 11 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 2 weeks a year.
I'm honestly going to cry for hours on end if I don't get into a university full time this year. I just don't think I could take it at all. I'm worried whats going to happen to me. Seriously worried. 'm trying to take my mind off it, but I can't do anything but sit down and contemplate because of my dodgy ankle. In normal situations like this, I'd go out, play a sport, go to the shops, piss about with mates on hours on end. Its incredible the damage of having zero mobility can do to you.
Two of my uncles have gone to university. One became a secondary school teacher in Moss Side, Manchester. The other uncle quit university in the second year. He now works in a school. I'd be happy with that. I'd love to work in a school. But call it extraordinarily big headed of me, a hunch, or an explosion of my already large ego, but I've always thought I could make it big in whatever I'd do. I don't know whether other people feel this, but I know I'll do very well. I just want the second chance to try and use a university to make it to the big time.
You know you've put on weight when the only way you can eat Pringles is tipping them out of the tube.
I'm off, I need more DRUGS
Love and cocodamol
Jc
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Achy Breaky Ankle
No time for pleasantries, wenches.
Playing football yesterday, attempted a step over on my best mate and life partner Olly Wright. Instead I put all my weight of my body on the ball itself, that slid off, and my ankle hit the ground on its side and I heard two snaps. A horrible, horrible sound. 5 hours at A&E later, and a torn lateral ligament in my left ankle was the outcome. With only 9 days till Leeds, its looking sparse.
So to cheer us all up, here's a collection of my favourite YouTube videos. 5 of each, split into the sections Music and Comedy.
Lets start with the food of love, no not Hula Hoops, but Music...
5. Lets dress up as green bees and run around New York. ITS A DEAL. Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster as The Boogs cause havoc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REG5RSvxQNI
4. Christopher Walken dancing. 'Nuff said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7Ky5R-vxns
3. Radiohead's 'Big Ideas (Don't Get Any)' performed on motherfuckin' old computers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmfHHLfbjNQ
2. Proper old-skool 80s graphics from the best dance band around. Get funky.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50BBNZ-ejjU
1. The best music video you shall ever see. OK Go's This Too Shall Pass
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w
__________________________________________
Onto comedy, something I know absolutely fuck all about.
5. College Humor's Prank War. The funniest set of videos on the web, just makes me laugh every time watching them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y12myMMbJYU
4. Shooting Stars. My personal funniest thing on TV at the moment. If you don't laugh at this you have no funny bone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpWw7IjjmuI
3. Classic comedy from one of my favourite ever comedians. Tommy Cooper doing hilarious comedy and astounding magic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9UMvfKBaZI&feature=related
2. From one extreme to the other. Jim Jefferies offending absolutely everyone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZJ-_OTvsqo
1. My favourite comedian at the moment. Teutonic tremendousness from Henning Wehn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YTbONFlQi4
__________________________________________
Give them all a watch, they're all amazing I'll promise you that.
Love and time wasting bastards
Jc
Playing football yesterday, attempted a step over on my best mate and life partner Olly Wright. Instead I put all my weight of my body on the ball itself, that slid off, and my ankle hit the ground on its side and I heard two snaps. A horrible, horrible sound. 5 hours at A&E later, and a torn lateral ligament in my left ankle was the outcome. With only 9 days till Leeds, its looking sparse.
So to cheer us all up, here's a collection of my favourite YouTube videos. 5 of each, split into the sections Music and Comedy.
Lets start with the food of love, no not Hula Hoops, but Music...
5. Lets dress up as green bees and run around New York. ITS A DEAL. Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster as The Boogs cause havoc.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REG5RSvxQNI
4. Christopher Walken dancing. 'Nuff said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7Ky5R-vxns
3. Radiohead's 'Big Ideas (Don't Get Any)' performed on motherfuckin' old computers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmfHHLfbjNQ
2. Proper old-skool 80s graphics from the best dance band around. Get funky.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50BBNZ-ejjU
1. The best music video you shall ever see. OK Go's This Too Shall Pass
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w
__________________________________________
Onto comedy, something I know absolutely fuck all about.
5. College Humor's Prank War. The funniest set of videos on the web, just makes me laugh every time watching them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y12myMMbJYU
4. Shooting Stars. My personal funniest thing on TV at the moment. If you don't laugh at this you have no funny bone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpWw7IjjmuI
3. Classic comedy from one of my favourite ever comedians. Tommy Cooper doing hilarious comedy and astounding magic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9UMvfKBaZI&feature=related
2. From one extreme to the other. Jim Jefferies offending absolutely everyone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZJ-_OTvsqo
1. My favourite comedian at the moment. Teutonic tremendousness from Henning Wehn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YTbONFlQi4
__________________________________________
Give them all a watch, they're all amazing I'll promise you that.
Love and time wasting bastards
Jc
Monday 16 August 2010
My best mates called Tiba. Sometimes I think he's a bit backwards.
Arrivederci.
Edge Hill are going to get it. I'm confused at to whether they don't have basic grasp on the ways of the world, or they're so balls-out and up themselves, people are too shocked to even argue with them. There are people getting fines in the thousands for the state of rooms. £800 for a new carpet? The rooms 9' by 15' and I don't remember shitting on the floor so you can piss right off.
There's a large possibility that I'm going to be waving goodbye to Edge Hill university anyway, the chance of me going back to full time are slim to none. I'll still be in Ormskirk mind you, I'd hate to leave Ormskirk, and there's always next year to apply, its an absolute joke mind you.
Apart from the University situation I'm feeling good. There's only a week or so till Leeds Festival and then another few days till I'm moving into the new house in Ormskirk. I've still got to tell the guy that I can't pay for the rent until I get a job or a loan approved, I just hope it all works itself out. I don't know what I'd do if I had to move back home and not see my mates again. I guess I'd try and apply for other universities to see if they can take me on in a full time Creative Writing or English course. But that's last chance saloon I tell you, last fricking chance fricking saloon.
I tried to watch a video on YouTube before called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'
It came up with a message saying "Disabled because of Copyright claim."
That's a bit harsh.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
Only writing a short entry today as I cannot be arsed. Got some writing to do and some football to play. Will post again tomorrow I'm sure.
Have lovely day you idiots.
Love and Wine Gums
Jc
Edge Hill are going to get it. I'm confused at to whether they don't have basic grasp on the ways of the world, or they're so balls-out and up themselves, people are too shocked to even argue with them. There are people getting fines in the thousands for the state of rooms. £800 for a new carpet? The rooms 9' by 15' and I don't remember shitting on the floor so you can piss right off.
There's a large possibility that I'm going to be waving goodbye to Edge Hill university anyway, the chance of me going back to full time are slim to none. I'll still be in Ormskirk mind you, I'd hate to leave Ormskirk, and there's always next year to apply, its an absolute joke mind you.
Apart from the University situation I'm feeling good. There's only a week or so till Leeds Festival and then another few days till I'm moving into the new house in Ormskirk. I've still got to tell the guy that I can't pay for the rent until I get a job or a loan approved, I just hope it all works itself out. I don't know what I'd do if I had to move back home and not see my mates again. I guess I'd try and apply for other universities to see if they can take me on in a full time Creative Writing or English course. But that's last chance saloon I tell you, last fricking chance fricking saloon.
I tried to watch a video on YouTube before called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'
It came up with a message saying "Disabled because of Copyright claim."
That's a bit harsh.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
Only writing a short entry today as I cannot be arsed. Got some writing to do and some football to play. Will post again tomorrow I'm sure.
Have lovely day you idiots.
Love and Wine Gums
Jc
Wednesday 11 August 2010
Readers Questions Number 2
HELLO YOU ROOM TEMPERATURE IQ'D WEIRDOS
50th post requires something special in my eyes, and what better way to celebrate 50 posts of mediocracy than people to ask me stupid fucking questions. I'm physically tired from football, mentally tired as always and hurting like a just-been-dumped balding cynical attention-seeking old-young man.
If you had a million pounds to design the worlds biggest and wackiest assault course, what would it consist of? (You can't have 3 planks of wood and pocket the money)
Jordan Whittaker
I love you Jordan but if you've got the chance to ask someone absolutely any question you'd like, I wouldn't ask what obstacles you'd put on the new Total Wipeout course. Personally, I like to see depressing abject failure, I'd start off with a 50m dash through a horizontal escalator, as tennis ball firing machines are pelting them at head level right in the jugular. They'd then be confronted with Craig Charles, Brian Blessed and Stuart Hall, throwing contestants from Japanese gameshows at the people taking part. Then other things that aren't as funny.
Whats wrong with women today?
Daniel Nicholson
Good god I'm going to regret answering this question...
Women, are just as flawed as men. But I don't honestly think that women believe this. As much as women had a hard time of it in the past, I don't think they just still be using this excuse, (many women still bring up the suffragettes, when explaining why they didn't get accepted for a job) as the reason why some of them, just like men, are complete and utter arseholes of the highest order.
Women can use both the "I'm a sweet and pretty woman, i can't do anything too taxing, a chivalrous man should do it" technique and "Girl Power! I can do taxing things, I don't need a stupid man to do it" technique. Men have only one technique, the "We'll try our best until something starts hurting or something more interesting comes along" technique.
So my conclusion to this disjointed arguement is, women and men are as bad as each other. Just cut each other a bit of slack from time to time.
I've almost been put off women for good because of the absolute wankshaft of an ex that was my first girlfriend, I've been complaining about it for nearly a year now, but I don't give a damn. When a man is on holiday, and gets admitted to hospital abroad with no idea what the fuck is happening to him. When I get a call saying she's going out with a 'gay' guy and all his 'gay' mates, I don't expect her to get off with the 'gay' guy behind my back and lie about it consistently. The absolute fucktard.
All I want in a woman is;
-Someone I can watch old movies with.
-Be able to get excited when we see free handouts in the street.
-Be able to go on more and more peculiar dates.
-Accept that I'm a wanker from time to time.
If anyone you know can fulfil this criteria, get in touch. Must have no Y Chromosome.
why don't monkeys play the bassoon?
Anonymous
Because it'd be bananas.
Love and Johnny Two Towels
Jc
50th post requires something special in my eyes, and what better way to celebrate 50 posts of mediocracy than people to ask me stupid fucking questions. I'm physically tired from football, mentally tired as always and hurting like a just-been-dumped balding cynical attention-seeking old-young man.
If you had a million pounds to design the worlds biggest and wackiest assault course, what would it consist of? (You can't have 3 planks of wood and pocket the money)
Jordan Whittaker
I love you Jordan but if you've got the chance to ask someone absolutely any question you'd like, I wouldn't ask what obstacles you'd put on the new Total Wipeout course. Personally, I like to see depressing abject failure, I'd start off with a 50m dash through a horizontal escalator, as tennis ball firing machines are pelting them at head level right in the jugular. They'd then be confronted with Craig Charles, Brian Blessed and Stuart Hall, throwing contestants from Japanese gameshows at the people taking part. Then other things that aren't as funny.
Whats wrong with women today?
Daniel Nicholson
Good god I'm going to regret answering this question...
Women, are just as flawed as men. But I don't honestly think that women believe this. As much as women had a hard time of it in the past, I don't think they just still be using this excuse, (many women still bring up the suffragettes, when explaining why they didn't get accepted for a job) as the reason why some of them, just like men, are complete and utter arseholes of the highest order.
Women can use both the "I'm a sweet and pretty woman, i can't do anything too taxing, a chivalrous man should do it" technique and "Girl Power! I can do taxing things, I don't need a stupid man to do it" technique. Men have only one technique, the "We'll try our best until something starts hurting or something more interesting comes along" technique.
So my conclusion to this disjointed arguement is, women and men are as bad as each other. Just cut each other a bit of slack from time to time.
I've almost been put off women for good because of the absolute wankshaft of an ex that was my first girlfriend, I've been complaining about it for nearly a year now, but I don't give a damn. When a man is on holiday, and gets admitted to hospital abroad with no idea what the fuck is happening to him. When I get a call saying she's going out with a 'gay' guy and all his 'gay' mates, I don't expect her to get off with the 'gay' guy behind my back and lie about it consistently. The absolute fucktard.
All I want in a woman is;
-Someone I can watch old movies with.
-Be able to get excited when we see free handouts in the street.
-Be able to go on more and more peculiar dates.
-Accept that I'm a wanker from time to time.
If anyone you know can fulfil this criteria, get in touch. Must have no Y Chromosome.
why don't monkeys play the bassoon?
Anonymous
Because it'd be bananas.
Love and Johnny Two Towels
Jc
Tuesday 10 August 2010
Back to normality
Waddup Lemmings
Like a 1950s Italian-American husband inebriated on stout bitchslapping his under-the-thumb crying wife, Fleetwoods Mount hammer hits the bell to signal that its 7 o' clock. I'm glad to be back in Fleetwood, even if the first day is a sombre one. I am now single, which was a surprise to be, but after the debacle which was my first relationship, the second pales to comparison with the amount of sadness I feel. I'm upset, but not as upset as I thought I'd be, I feel more embarassment than anything else, as when you publically cry out that you're 'in a relationship' on Facebook and then several weeks later it now reads 'single', people wonder and people pity. I do hate pity.
Pity is a dish best served as a side-entree with revenge, not as a dollop on top of a plate of 'ruined relationship. I think I may have taken this metaphor as step too far, but, as people who read this know, I normally take things that step too far anyhow. You'll be happy to know that I'm not feeling all to happy about the whole situation and life in general, not happy as in, how I always was before the saga anyway, but its in this mood where I like to be.
Imagine finding a £50 note on the floor, but its got 'you are a wanker' on it and then loads of people you know surround you and laugh at you. You're happy and richer, but it leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Thats how I'm feeling.
I have a plan regarding University. I am to become a English teacher. Apparantly, they're crying out for them, so would be able to train to become one FULL TIME and still gain the knowledge I'd like to learn regarding English and Creative Writing and so forth. Whether this plan materialises is a totally different matter.
Me and my girlfriend are splitting up unless I pay for a boob job.
I'm skint, and anyway, I quite like my pointy breasts.
"You'll laugh, you'll cry.." You'll get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
I've come to a realisation that apparantly peoples mental health really does affect a persons chance at getting accepted for a job, or at the very least an interview. I've been applying for jobs what with the whole, 'having no money to pay for rent/travel/food/freshers week/handwash/Razzle/Wham bars/Black Mint Airwaves situation' and filling out application forms always has a space that says;
"If you have any medical condition be it physical or mental that would affect your undertaking of this job, please make aware of it below and how it would affect"
Is one example of what is said on one of these application forms. Me, with my crazy HILARIOUS Obsessive Compulsive Ways, or OCW as we in the trade call it, seriously, I'm on a OCD chatroom and we have all seem to have a tendancy to abbreviate a lot of things, (LOLOer = Lights On Lights Off-er) I'm quite desparate for a job and so have resorted to cleaning. Now in this space in the form, I obviously put Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now I have applied for 4 cleaning jobs and have so far received feedback/interviews for 3 of them (going for an interview for one of them, because its also a barman job, fuck the others, I ain't cleaning for no old women bitch). Now is that coincedence, luck, or is this a positive bias towards the TEEers? (Touch Everything Evenly/Exactly-ers)
I'll leave it to you to work out, or if you're a bit cash stricken yourself, to use to your EVIL FUCKING ADVANTAGE. But if I see you going for a job I'm going for and find out your lieing, I'll punch you in the face. In a specific order of left punch, right punch, right punch, left punch. Then wash my hands and turn around 5 times.
NO NEWS TODAY - I'M FEELING UN-NEWSWORTHY
Love and a sorry fucking state of affairs
Jc
Like a 1950s Italian-American husband inebriated on stout bitchslapping his under-the-thumb crying wife, Fleetwoods Mount hammer hits the bell to signal that its 7 o' clock. I'm glad to be back in Fleetwood, even if the first day is a sombre one. I am now single, which was a surprise to be, but after the debacle which was my first relationship, the second pales to comparison with the amount of sadness I feel. I'm upset, but not as upset as I thought I'd be, I feel more embarassment than anything else, as when you publically cry out that you're 'in a relationship' on Facebook and then several weeks later it now reads 'single', people wonder and people pity. I do hate pity.
Pity is a dish best served as a side-entree with revenge, not as a dollop on top of a plate of 'ruined relationship. I think I may have taken this metaphor as step too far, but, as people who read this know, I normally take things that step too far anyhow. You'll be happy to know that I'm not feeling all to happy about the whole situation and life in general, not happy as in, how I always was before the saga anyway, but its in this mood where I like to be.
Imagine finding a £50 note on the floor, but its got 'you are a wanker' on it and then loads of people you know surround you and laugh at you. You're happy and richer, but it leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Thats how I'm feeling.
I have a plan regarding University. I am to become a English teacher. Apparantly, they're crying out for them, so would be able to train to become one FULL TIME and still gain the knowledge I'd like to learn regarding English and Creative Writing and so forth. Whether this plan materialises is a totally different matter.
Me and my girlfriend are splitting up unless I pay for a boob job.
I'm skint, and anyway, I quite like my pointy breasts.
"You'll laugh, you'll cry.." You'll get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
I've come to a realisation that apparantly peoples mental health really does affect a persons chance at getting accepted for a job, or at the very least an interview. I've been applying for jobs what with the whole, 'having no money to pay for rent/travel/food/freshers week/handwash/Razzle/Wham bars/Black Mint Airwaves situation' and filling out application forms always has a space that says;
"If you have any medical condition be it physical or mental that would affect your undertaking of this job, please make aware of it below and how it would affect"
Is one example of what is said on one of these application forms. Me, with my crazy HILARIOUS Obsessive Compulsive Ways, or OCW as we in the trade call it, seriously, I'm on a OCD chatroom and we have all seem to have a tendancy to abbreviate a lot of things, (LOLOer = Lights On Lights Off-er) I'm quite desparate for a job and so have resorted to cleaning. Now in this space in the form, I obviously put Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now I have applied for 4 cleaning jobs and have so far received feedback/interviews for 3 of them (going for an interview for one of them, because its also a barman job, fuck the others, I ain't cleaning for no old women bitch). Now is that coincedence, luck, or is this a positive bias towards the TEEers? (Touch Everything Evenly/Exactly-ers)
I'll leave it to you to work out, or if you're a bit cash stricken yourself, to use to your EVIL FUCKING ADVANTAGE. But if I see you going for a job I'm going for and find out your lieing, I'll punch you in the face. In a specific order of left punch, right punch, right punch, left punch. Then wash my hands and turn around 5 times.
NO NEWS TODAY - I'M FEELING UN-NEWSWORTHY
Love and a sorry fucking state of affairs
Jc
Monday 9 August 2010
Sniff the cheese
'Ow do.
Nothing much to report. Except I'm starting to get worried about the money sitation at University. I don't do worried. I do obsessive, paranoia and narky, but I don't do worried. It just doesn't work for me. I've always joked that I'm adopted, as everyone in my family seems to worry a good 80% of the time, as I do laid back 80% of the time. Worried people annoy me slightly, they're either worrying about things that will never happen, or worrying about things that they have no control over happening, like the constant shortening of Curly Wurlys or whether Cheryl Cole will develop AIDS.
It may be my solid two years of being on antidepressants, of which a daily dose could have felled an African Elephant, which is why I just don't seem to worry, I came off them rather suddenly and developed withdrawal symptoms, which is always a laugh. You can't beat shivers and a temper of a bankrupt African drug warlord on your birthday. Its a bad thing though, to be perfectly honest, the losing of a phone or dropping of an expensive item just gets greeted by me with a smile and a 'oh well'. I do think because of it, I'm almost inpenetrable to being wound up and an appetite for telling stupid people on facebook why they're so, so, so wrong about things. Which normally combines into insults or 'go fuck yourselfs' being rebounded onto the attacker with a smile and a totally unrelevant snippet of why I'm fucking awesome and they're just wank.
Been with the beautiful Lydia this weekend, had such a lazy weekend it was untrue, it was awesome, I'm going to miss her for the next 3 weeks. We've coped before that long but it doesn't make it any easier the second time around, I cannot wait until both me and her are back at University and slowly getting inebriated off Sailor Jerrys and Kopparberg. Again, its early days but you never know. Shes extremely different to my ex (she has a conscience) and I love it for all the same.
No news today, i'm feeling laaaaaaaaazy.
Love and chocolate cigarettes
Jc
Nothing much to report. Except I'm starting to get worried about the money sitation at University. I don't do worried. I do obsessive, paranoia and narky, but I don't do worried. It just doesn't work for me. I've always joked that I'm adopted, as everyone in my family seems to worry a good 80% of the time, as I do laid back 80% of the time. Worried people annoy me slightly, they're either worrying about things that will never happen, or worrying about things that they have no control over happening, like the constant shortening of Curly Wurlys or whether Cheryl Cole will develop AIDS.
It may be my solid two years of being on antidepressants, of which a daily dose could have felled an African Elephant, which is why I just don't seem to worry, I came off them rather suddenly and developed withdrawal symptoms, which is always a laugh. You can't beat shivers and a temper of a bankrupt African drug warlord on your birthday. Its a bad thing though, to be perfectly honest, the losing of a phone or dropping of an expensive item just gets greeted by me with a smile and a 'oh well'. I do think because of it, I'm almost inpenetrable to being wound up and an appetite for telling stupid people on facebook why they're so, so, so wrong about things. Which normally combines into insults or 'go fuck yourselfs' being rebounded onto the attacker with a smile and a totally unrelevant snippet of why I'm fucking awesome and they're just wank.
Been with the beautiful Lydia this weekend, had such a lazy weekend it was untrue, it was awesome, I'm going to miss her for the next 3 weeks. We've coped before that long but it doesn't make it any easier the second time around, I cannot wait until both me and her are back at University and slowly getting inebriated off Sailor Jerrys and Kopparberg. Again, its early days but you never know. Shes extremely different to my ex (she has a conscience) and I love it for all the same.
No news today, i'm feeling laaaaaaaaazy.
Love and chocolate cigarettes
Jc
Friday 6 August 2010
German sausages are the wurst
Whattup.
I'm back in Ormskirk after a 6 hour trip on a cramped coach which involved me circling the Northern part of Great Britain like a fly's journey from A to B. Seriously, I know know whether the driver had A.D.D. or he just fucking loves taking people on magical mystery tours through the arse end of nowhere. I'm sure we went through Bradford twice and Moss Side three times. I'm pretty confident each time we entered Moss Side I heard a gun shot. They're like magpies there, one for sorrow, two for joy...Good morning Mr. Asbo.
They are some good people in this world, I do try my best but its people like the woman I met last night (get your mind out the gutter) that really show you that people can be extremely thoughtful for the lost and confused (ie. Me). I was trying to find a way home from Hell, I mean Hull, and I asked a woman if she knew of any cheap B&Bs about that would still have vacancies, I explained her the situation, and she asked me why I was carrying a 19" TV if I was going to Holland, she was a classic grandma you'd see in the movies, a larger, older lady, a plaid dress, the lot. The woman told me to come with her to the shop and she'd help me find a Yellow Pages. What with my mobile dead and no way of charging it, she lent me hers and let me ring what must have been 7-8 B&Bs to no avail. The whole scenario lasted a good 30 minutes, and as she pointed me off to the nearest Ibis Hotel, I told her I hoped she'd have a safe journey home and I hope I haven't caused you to miss her bus.
She'd missed her bus. And she was so jolly about it, what with me feeling guilty, she made me feel like I'd done her a favour, instead of the other way round. I managed to say thank you, but if for some strange coincidence and you're reading this, well you must have very poor taste, but thank you again. Without you I'd still be there no doubt pissing myself and crying like a little girl.
My girlfriend told me that I had uncontrollable OCD. Well I put her in her place.
I was bored that night in Hull, and I had my electric trimmer on me, and I have a slightly hairy back, so I tried to shave it. Bad idea. I could only reach a certain part of my back using each hand. So now, I'm being deadly serious, I have two bald strips across my back. Its like those big tree feller tanks you get in rainforest's, imagine two of them, side by side, just bombing it in a straight line through the Andes. Just paint them yellow and at least my back will be a no parking zone.
People call me Mr Compromise. It wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
BBC News : 'Cheryl Cole Down To Only 84 Pounds' What a fucking bargain.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
HERR AND HIMM(LERRS) ACHTUNG BABIES
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-10891733
DYKE ON BIKE? I LIKE.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-10817463
WONDER IF THEY TASTE SAME?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-10894485
I'LL TAKE ONE IN MIDDLE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/lancashire/hi/people_and_places/arts_and_culture/newsid_8892000/8892568.stm
I'LL TAKE THE DRESS
http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/lancashire/hi/people_and_places/arts_and_culture/newsid_8754000/8754401.stm
Love and SWEET CHILLI CHICKEN
Jc
I'm back in Ormskirk after a 6 hour trip on a cramped coach which involved me circling the Northern part of Great Britain like a fly's journey from A to B. Seriously, I know know whether the driver had A.D.D. or he just fucking loves taking people on magical mystery tours through the arse end of nowhere. I'm sure we went through Bradford twice and Moss Side three times. I'm pretty confident each time we entered Moss Side I heard a gun shot. They're like magpies there, one for sorrow, two for joy...Good morning Mr. Asbo.
They are some good people in this world, I do try my best but its people like the woman I met last night (get your mind out the gutter) that really show you that people can be extremely thoughtful for the lost and confused (ie. Me). I was trying to find a way home from Hell, I mean Hull, and I asked a woman if she knew of any cheap B&Bs about that would still have vacancies, I explained her the situation, and she asked me why I was carrying a 19" TV if I was going to Holland, she was a classic grandma you'd see in the movies, a larger, older lady, a plaid dress, the lot. The woman told me to come with her to the shop and she'd help me find a Yellow Pages. What with my mobile dead and no way of charging it, she lent me hers and let me ring what must have been 7-8 B&Bs to no avail. The whole scenario lasted a good 30 minutes, and as she pointed me off to the nearest Ibis Hotel, I told her I hoped she'd have a safe journey home and I hope I haven't caused you to miss her bus.
She'd missed her bus. And she was so jolly about it, what with me feeling guilty, she made me feel like I'd done her a favour, instead of the other way round. I managed to say thank you, but if for some strange coincidence and you're reading this, well you must have very poor taste, but thank you again. Without you I'd still be there no doubt pissing myself and crying like a little girl.
My girlfriend told me that I had uncontrollable OCD. Well I put her in her place.
I was bored that night in Hull, and I had my electric trimmer on me, and I have a slightly hairy back, so I tried to shave it. Bad idea. I could only reach a certain part of my back using each hand. So now, I'm being deadly serious, I have two bald strips across my back. Its like those big tree feller tanks you get in rainforest's, imagine two of them, side by side, just bombing it in a straight line through the Andes. Just paint them yellow and at least my back will be a no parking zone.
People call me Mr Compromise. It wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
BBC News : 'Cheryl Cole Down To Only 84 Pounds' What a fucking bargain.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
HERR AND HIMM(LERRS) ACHTUNG BABIES
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-10891733
DYKE ON BIKE? I LIKE.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-10817463
WONDER IF THEY TASTE SAME?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-10894485
I'LL TAKE ONE IN MIDDLE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/lancashire/hi/people_and_places/arts_and_culture/newsid_8892000/8892568.stm
I'LL TAKE THE DRESS
http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/lancashire/hi/people_and_places/arts_and_culture/newsid_8754000/8754401.stm
Love and SWEET CHILLI CHICKEN
Jc
Thursday 5 August 2010
Ohhhhh Its been a while
HELLO LEMMINGS
Its been about 2 months ain't it? How you been? SHUT UP.
Im writing this in a Ibis Hotel in Hull, for which all I know could be on Guernsey Island for all I know, my geography is appalling. Why I'm in Hull? Well. Sit back people. Get comfy.
My grandad rang 5 days ago saying that I could make a quick buck if I came with him to Holland on this day. So the day came, I got my shmoking pipe, my clogs and orange dungarees, and we set off to Hull, for which then we'd board a ferry to Rotterdam, and then a hour and a half trip to Ventel, which is where I'd do a fun mix of manual labour and ticking fish off a sheet as I processed them. This dream of mine was never realised, as for when we reached border control (bored-der control more like (FUCK YEAH FIRST SHIT JOKE)) I was asked if I had realised my passport was out of date by 5 weeks. I said no, and then said if I did, would I really be trying to get through Holland with a dodgy passport, this just caused more tension and anger from both sides of the bulletproof glass of the border control station. I'm glad we were talking to each other through a microphone, as she looked like the kind of person who'd eat a big bag of Wotsits and refuse to lick her fingers or clean her teeth for several days afterwards.
Me and my Grandad set off towards the managers office, asking for some sort of pity, and was given it in spades from another woman who was neither angry or Wotsit-ty but more of a Mother Hubbard character. She still said no.
Bitch. So I was stuck in Hull and my grandad set off to (of what I presume) Amsterdam for a friendly night of marijuana and lovely ladies with no tops on.
Anyhoo.
I'm a very happy man. Why? I have been chosen by whichever God is alive with a woman who can stand my unfunny sitcom-esque life, my occasional bouts of paranoia, nihilism and extreme childishness and seems to bat it back at me with unending charm, humour and oddness that I find extraordinarily appealing. Shes turned me into a romantic mess readers, A BIG FUCKING ROMANTIC MESS. I love it though haha. I don't have to change for her, she likes me how I am, which is absolutely crazy insane but wonderful. Its early stages of course, but I hope to God we're as happy as we are now for as long as she can put up with me.
No jokes today, I have plenty for next time though, next post I write I shall dedicate to the black humour I hope the three of you regular readers love. (edit: Apparantly its just my Mum reading this now. Hello Mum)
Love and lime green and fuschia
Jc
Its been about 2 months ain't it? How you been? SHUT UP.
Im writing this in a Ibis Hotel in Hull, for which all I know could be on Guernsey Island for all I know, my geography is appalling. Why I'm in Hull? Well. Sit back people. Get comfy.
My grandad rang 5 days ago saying that I could make a quick buck if I came with him to Holland on this day. So the day came, I got my shmoking pipe, my clogs and orange dungarees, and we set off to Hull, for which then we'd board a ferry to Rotterdam, and then a hour and a half trip to Ventel, which is where I'd do a fun mix of manual labour and ticking fish off a sheet as I processed them. This dream of mine was never realised, as for when we reached border control (bored-der control more like (FUCK YEAH FIRST SHIT JOKE)) I was asked if I had realised my passport was out of date by 5 weeks. I said no, and then said if I did, would I really be trying to get through Holland with a dodgy passport, this just caused more tension and anger from both sides of the bulletproof glass of the border control station. I'm glad we were talking to each other through a microphone, as she looked like the kind of person who'd eat a big bag of Wotsits and refuse to lick her fingers or clean her teeth for several days afterwards.
Me and my Grandad set off towards the managers office, asking for some sort of pity, and was given it in spades from another woman who was neither angry or Wotsit-ty but more of a Mother Hubbard character. She still said no.
Bitch. So I was stuck in Hull and my grandad set off to (of what I presume) Amsterdam for a friendly night of marijuana and lovely ladies with no tops on.
Anyhoo.
I'm a very happy man. Why? I have been chosen by whichever God is alive with a woman who can stand my unfunny sitcom-esque life, my occasional bouts of paranoia, nihilism and extreme childishness and seems to bat it back at me with unending charm, humour and oddness that I find extraordinarily appealing. Shes turned me into a romantic mess readers, A BIG FUCKING ROMANTIC MESS. I love it though haha. I don't have to change for her, she likes me how I am, which is absolutely crazy insane but wonderful. Its early stages of course, but I hope to God we're as happy as we are now for as long as she can put up with me.
No jokes today, I have plenty for next time though, next post I write I shall dedicate to the black humour I hope the three of you regular readers love. (edit: Apparantly its just my Mum reading this now. Hello Mum)
Love and lime green and fuschia
Jc
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