What the hell am I good at?

I've dipped my hand in a few proverbial jars throughout the years, I remember coming third in a competition to find the best young cartoonist for the comic The Beano when I was 12 or 13. Im no good at it now, it was just the quality of my idea that got me to that stage. It was called Dr. Shrew and was a play on the Dr. Who theme, years before Dr. Who came back to our screens. It featured a sidekick called C@ (think K9) and enemies called the Cowlichs (think Daleks) with curly hair and a camp demeanor. I loved it, and apparantly was good enough to get throught to the final which was held at Southport as far as my memory serves me, and I met all manner of cartoonists from The Beano and Dandy, which was a big deal for me at the time, haha.
My latest fad, I mean, phase, is stand up comedy, and after only having a handful of gigs and a hell of a lot of personal material, I want this to actually get somewhere, as a hobby, no more. I look at people and see that they have some kind of talent, and it confuses me why I haven't got something, which annoys me. I have to say I have top drawer cynicism expertise. But as far as Im aware this isn't considered a hobby. Which is an outrage. I have a gig on Friday it seems and really should get round to practising for it, but I always feel that if I cram on the night before, just like exams, I can blurt anything that I remember or think about off my chest and raise a few laughs. Well thats the plan.
Im never allowing any of my family that I wouldnt swear in front of to see my comedy, its on the wrong kind of weird, and as a off-the-track Catholic, I can confidently say (if theres is such thing as the place) I'm going to hell. But its more fun leading a shocking life. I've gave a few choice cuts from my set below, have a read. I have to say actually, I find it quite easy to separate this side of me from the side that has Sunday Dinner with the family. Anyhoo. Don't say I havent warned you. I havent. But now I have.

Mum once said there's plenty more fish in the sea. Yes mum but I don't want to fuck a fish.
My girlfriend is great. If I could describe her in 3 words they would be smart, beautiful and imaginary.
Kate Moss said that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. I didn’t fancy her before. Especially now I know she doesn’t swallow.
Kerry Katona had her daughters’ names tattooed on her wrists to ensure she’ll never slit them. Or masturbate again, presumably.
I don't watch a lot of porn, I find a couple of minutes does the job.
My girlfriend had an infection but I still went down on her. I’m from Lancashire. We’ll eat anything with batter on it.
When the subject arises and I tell people I have OCD, it annoys me when people say “ooh yeah I think I’ve got that”, you haven’t got that, you’re just overly tidy, like Kim Woodburn, its offensive to people with the real affliction too. Its like me saying “Yeah I’ve kind of got Parkinsons” whilst in fact Im just shaking due to the cold. I had to break up with my girlfriend because of my OCD, it just really got to me that her vagina wasn’t symmetrical. And I know I haven’t got the perfect sexual organs myself, I mean my penis looks like an aborted Labrador fetus, but her vagina looked like it had had a stroke.
I've always fancied girls with palindromic names. Anna. Eve. Hannah. Elle. Mum.

Love and the Smurf people always forget.

Jc