Thursday 29 April 2010

"I always thought that Chinese Whispers were Asian chocolate bars."

Hello. I'm feeling much better THANK YOU YOU IGNORANT BASTARDS. I don't know why I bother I really don't. Its like talking to a fucking wall. I'm constantly having to make conversation and you lot don't say a fucking word back. Yeah i get a few 'i like your blogs' but after that, NOTHING. I need suggestions for questions, ask me anything, its like formspring but not anonymous so you can't write crap like
OMG LYK H0W BIGZ YER DiCK????????????
TRACY FANCYZ YER LYK CRAZEE

These are some common questions I get asked.

1) "What would be your preferred weapon available to hand in a house if a zombie apocalypse approached?"




I have two crutches in my flat, I'd get one of the crutches, some gaffa tape and a large knife and sellotape the knife to the crutch, voila, a weapon, both sturdy and versatile, which delivers painful blows without getting too close for comfort with the Z words.

< ARTISTS INTERPRETATION


2) "Who do you fancy?"

I hate the word 'fancy', it sounds too childish, 'love' sounds like we're getting married, 'who do you like the look of' sounds like I'm picking her from a prize raffle. And 'who'd you like to bone', less said the better. One of my friends said that I'm a mental man whore, which means that I say I like a few people, but do nothing about it therefore making me a mental man whore, avoiding the much revered title of physical man whore. I fancy (eurgh) a 3 people, but I really really like 1 of them. But as I said, nothing shall be done about this. So go away.

3) ""Whats your favourite food, fatty?"

Thanks mum. My favourite food at the moment is probably the three me and my housemate Ben have been buying the last few weeks or so, which are UGO panini things, Morrisons Aromatic Duck, Pancakes, and Hoi Sin Sauce, and last but not least, nachos and cheese and salsa. OMNONOMNOMNOM. I tend to chuck everything in a blender, add some water and drink it as a liquid. It saves on the whole chewing business.

4) "Would you like cashback sir?"

No, hand me my receipt and card, wench.

Now, get off your arse and ask me questions.

5 WORD NEWS REPORTS

BELGIAN ISLAMICS LOOK ANGRY. POSSIBLY.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8652861.stm

I DON'T WANT HD UPGRADE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8648725.stm

WHO LET HELEN KELLER DRIVE?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8652301.stm

SCOTLAND? ANTI SOCIAL? SHOCK STORY
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/8651149.stm

Love and that annoying one from Over The Rainbow with the gap in her teeth, I don't watch it, its just weird. But I've seen her.

Jc

Wednesday 28 April 2010

The Song of the Blog

Its that time again

Im in the foul mood of a bipolar depression. Just left the SU quietly to avoid suspicion and told my Mum via text thats its that time of the month. Queue Mum worrying by arguing and me putting the phone down in a storm. Drinking on my own won't help but I've got that large amount of alcohol I don't really give a shit.
Anyway. Ive been told I have to have an echocardiagram which is basically a ultrasound of the heart which involves placing a probe on my chest simliar to a baby ultrasound. This means I have to have my chest shaved. Which is totally ridiculous. I may get it waxed for the charity SUB (I now have my own in-jokes for the regular readers). Only a short blog today as I'm really not in the fucking mood.

5 WORD NEWS REPORTS

BROWN TROUSERS FOR BULLY BROWN
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8649853.stm

TWAT IN HAT TOOK MEOW
http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/entertainment/newsid_10080000/newsid_10088800/10088828.stm

TEACHER RINGS THE DEATH BELL
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/8648999.stm

SHES NOT BIG OR CLEVER
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/8646084.stm

Love and leave me alone

jc

Tuesday 27 April 2010

"I don't like Cheddar but I can give you something with a blue vein in it"

This song is so good it could be used as the song for the next James Bond, one of my favourite songs of all time. I plead with you, if you read this blog regularly and have received some perverse enjoyment (you sick, sick people), listen to this and we're evens. I don't mind saying that this is the only time I've ever cried at a song when I first heard this version of it.




Finished most of my work got a little to do then that'll be it for the year. Been working out a few sums on a piece of paper, its intriguing...
Say. Just say, im an optimistic person I know. Lets say I get a £12,000 full time job. With 5 job interviews coming up, its a possibility. Right, to the maths.

My rent for next year total £3801, plus with £60 a week for food and living costs, for 35 weeks is £2100, making a grand total of £5901 a year.
A £12,000 (ok I know I havent took off tax or whatnot but it was rough maths) job, minus £5901 is £6000 to slowly pay back debts to Student Loans Company and my Mum.
Have I totally missed something here? Or is that a terribly scary but awesome thought?

Of course, the only problem in my way, is getting a job. I'm a cocky bastard, so getting one shouldn't be too big a deal...i'm going to regret saying that I know I am.

5 WORD NEWS REPORTS

ELECTION: WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8647860.stm

PEPPA PIG PERVERTS PARTY PLAN
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2950821/Peppa-Pig-abandons-Labour.html

DESTROYED HYMEN + MECCANO = REBUILT HYMEN
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/8641099.stm

'THE NUGGET' FUCK IT UPPET
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/other_sports/snooker/8646438.stm

TWATTISH KID CAUSES EXTREME CRUSHES
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8646041.stm

DAILY MAIL HILARIOUS STORY SHOCKER
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1269257/Man-sailing-Britain-small-boat-doing-laps-small-island-Kent.html

Love and big sharp axes

Jc

Too many colours spoil the goth

Got a few links here to absolutely odd but hilarious things. I'm like Jeremy Beadle.
By the way. Jeremy Beadles penis is massive, in the other hand though, its tiny.

1. First up, this is off truelads.com or whatever. basically a sight where guys try to prove their laddishness.
www.readplatform.com/uploads/2010/04/Picture-102.png

2. Childish fun from b3ta. A load of graffiti to snigger at.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/

3. Everybody Hates Raymond. Raymond Hates Raymond.
http://blog.escapedmonkey.co.uk/

4. Just simply, except for b3ta, my favourite website.
http://www.27bslash6.com/

4.Last but by NO MEANS LEAST, Easily the greatest group on facebook.
www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/even-tho-u-stabbed-ma-nan-ur-still-da-1-4-me/119093601436097

Anyhooooo. Hello. My name is Josh Cannings and I spend far too much money. Its got to the point recently where Ive lost track of how much I've spent, and what Ive spent it on. Its getting worrying, for the next 2 weeks starting after I see Derren Brown (COME ON DEZZA MY BOY!) im going to try and live off £5 a week, just to see if its at all possible, and i'll track how I'm doing online. The money I would have spent, Im going to give to charity at the end of the two weeks. The charity is a lovely local charity called SUB (or Student Union Bar) who provide needy students with lifwe giving nourishment. A worthy cause. Seriously though, I will be trying to live off a fiver, where currently I'm living off £60. Tough challenge. Its going to kill me...

Now jokes.

"I was fixing an alarm system, but i was given the wrong type of ladder, I crushed my left hand and dislocated my right shoulder so i rang claims direct"
How the hell did he manage that?

My housemates walked in on me masturbating last night. Finally, my arm was getting tired. (HELLO HOUSEMATES!)

Love and Howard Oranges Pair of Apples

Jc

Last Day

“What do you remember last William?”
The woman was bright in mind and in vision, the natural white coat contrasted with the sterile greens and the yellowy hues of the neon track lighting above. The light bouncing off the full length wall mirror opened the room bigger to what it really was.
“Well, I remember you coming round the corner dear.” The woman in the coat took notes, the way her ring finger nudged her glasses back up the edge of her nose reminded William of his wife. But nothing else did. Nothing else does.
“Or do you want to know what I remember?” The wrinkles on William’s forehead were innumerable as he strained the last word. William’s voice was strained and tired, as much so as his body, which was into the later years of life now, a liver spot for each year lived. The woman wasn’t paid to hear this information, she had other people to see, but William had been here for some time now, and surely the other work could wait for a quick 5 minute chat couldn’t it?
“What do you remember William?”
“Well”
William sighed; he folded his arms onto his lap, tangling the wires connected into the prominent veins on the back of his hands. “I remember staring into my beloved’s eyes unblinking and staring, and her returning my stare unblinking also. Of course I remember you turning the corner, seeing your face and shaking your hand. See, I remember your face, but I long to remember hers. I still get that feeling which makes my soul catch fire and an overwhelming feeling of bliss when I remember her eyes. All I remember are her eyes.
“Do you remember the last time you were together?”
“Oh of course I do dear, I can hear her voice now as well, the last thing I remember about her was clutching her hand on her bed, and she was so scared. She was such a clever, optimistic woman, she radiated joy, but she was so scared to let go.” William unfolded his arms and picked up the glass of juice next to his seat, she saw that it required a lot of strength for him to do, and she helped it to his lips.
“Was that when,” she coughed politely, “When she died, passed away, I mean?”
“We oughtn’t to be scared of death, just as we aren’t scared about proclaiming our love. The very fact you would be anxious about asking me that says a lot, we live our lives in fear of sex and death, and yet these things are so central to our being. It’s a natural feeling however, fear, and it’s no surprise to hear that I was scared when my beloved exhaled her last breath, the warmness of which I remember feeling in my ear, so different from her then slowly cooling face. She was still radiating joy when she passed.” The woman could see William’s eyes glazing over and looking into the distance, she felt there was not much longer left. I think William knew it too.
She checked his vitals, taking his readings from the ECG and BP monitor, all standard procedure, marked it down on the clipboard at the end of his bed, of which William was now sat. He was still active and able to move, but it took a lot of strength for him to do so, shown by the beads of sweat on his brow and clinging to the last strands of his hair. His fingers, still thick, unusually for a man of his age, combed through the hairs on the sides of his head, took out a pink handkerchief from his sleeve, wiped his brow and lip and folded it away neatly again. His only possession, the others were in another room. He’d refused a dinner, just a glass of juice, of which was half full.
“Why can’t you remember her face, William?”
“I suppose it could just be I repressing the memories which sadden me, although I cannot understand why her face would sadden me. Her eyes are always in my mind although.” Again his eyes wandered off, now looking into the mirror, the woman’s eyes follow towards the mirror, and she gently smiles at him as she catches his gaze.
“Why have you stayed here with me?”
The woman wasn’t ready for this question, and she didn’t totally know the answer, “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t scared William.” Again, he looks into the mirror, this time he faintly smiles, with the last of the energy he has.
“I’m not scared, I’m ready” He tried to reach for the half full glass of juice, and again the woman helped him bring it up to his lips. “Have you ever heard about the story of the woman who went to the Buddha in great anguish? She was carrying her deceased child in her arms and she asked the Buddha to revive the child. The Buddha said ‘Bring me a mustard seed from any house where no-one has ever died, and I will fulfil your wish.’ The woman attempted to search from such a house but all such attempts were in vain, as no such house existed, but in the end, what she did find was the universality of death.”
Two men in uniforms come in and stand either side of the room. The woman, stands, and walks towards the bed, nods at the mirror, and at the men and the audience the other side of it. One of the men takes out a needle and prepares it. William looks over at the woman, “Everybody’s scared, everybody grieves, and everybody dies.”
The other man asks William for any final words, “I have said all I need to say, I just wish to see her face again.” The first man injects into the IV, William’s eyes connect with the woman’s, they glaze over, and again he looks into the far distance.

Sunday 25 April 2010

Mmmmmmm Danone

When my grandad first arrived back in this country after the war, all he had with him was what was on his back. A rucksack full of Jew gold.

A few questions have been raised recently, where I've had to genuinely think about my line of work in the future. I just cannot see myself with a 9 to 5 job, I couldn't do it, I'd need something different, yes, I am one of those guys who have to go against the grain and against the norm.
Yes, I'm the kind of guy who doesn't wave but salutes.
The kind of guy who assigns himself his own nickname.
The kind of guy who thinks he is funny and writes a blog about how funny he is...

Oh.

Well anyway, I don't care, at least I'm honest about what I am, and I haven't had that many enemies due to it, so I musn't be that bad. I just could not see myself in an office, and I know soon, I may have to end up working in an office type enviroment, with a watercooler, and a storage cupboard which houses ringbind folders and a few crusty semen stains on the floor. I just hope they'll be a 20-odd-year-old-7/10-on-the-attractiveness-scale woman there for me to talk to and try to chat up but fail miserably as fricking always. The prospect of me earning anything over £12,000 a year though is fantastic, that'll be a grand a month, take off rent and food and thats £400 a month on whatever I'd like. Jesus Christ. Ladbrokes, Bargain Booze and Redtube Premium won't know whats hit them! I'd send a little home for my Mum as well, I'm nice like that, she's spent a hell of a lot of money on me the last year or so, just so I can come to Uni, so it'd be nice to give some back to her for a little treat each month. I'm single ladies...

When it gets to that time of the month, (my man-period) and I become bitten by the bad bipolar bear and get all depressed like, I'm a very paranoid person, my own solace is food and humour. And its leaning a little too much towards the food side methinks, I've been this weight for the last few years, I was a little tubbier I think in secondary school, but I've been a constant 16-17 stone, which is a ridiculous amount I feel when I hear other peoples weights. I'd like to get down to a constant 15 stone. Tubby, a little give, but if you pinch hard enough you can feel abs underneath. I hate running, but Im going to give this new class at University a go, they're doing a Boot Camp-esque training session every week, so hopefully this, along with some cycling (I dont own a bike) or gym every so often will cut me down. My dads rock hard, he's still muscly now, and slightly stronger than me at 46 (I think), I may have to ask him how he got from tubby bitch to a muscly bitch.

My girlfriend rang me and told me that she's got swelling on her face, arms, breasts and vagina. I told her thats too much inflammation.

Scientists have recently discovered that certain species of fish have paedophilic tendencies. Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.

Love and Ken Dodds Dads Dogs Dead

Jc

This is not an actual post, just for the odd few who know who I mean

When one of my best mates Greg, sent me this online, I had to share it, whilst I never had the pleasure of having Mrs Hornshaw as a constant teacher, we'd been regaled and made known of wondrous quotes. So on the rare occasion Mrs Hornshaw took a class I was in, I'd be kept still just hoping one of these beauty's lept from her lips.

"Oh my"
The Notes & Quotes of Mrs Hornshaw

• “Hello Love”
• “Hurry up love, you’re keeping the good people waiting”
• “You’re frightening me; you should know these like that!”
• “The writer uses onmato….poeia…good lad”
• “Smack legs if you don’t have your essay in for tomorrow love”
• “I’ll get the rottweilers out if you don’t bring them text books back”
• “Woe-be-tide if you don’t know your quotes by tomorrow love”
• “Right, quickly carousel!”
• “Now, remember, it’s APA, POC and … what is it? You might feel like it after the other two…DIE…good girl”
• “Not Harsh Continental Sounds…Harsh Consonantal Sounds…you worry me sometimes love”
• “ssssssssibilant sounds, excellent love”
• “Right, someone different to read…Chris Rolinson”
• “Right someone different with a big voice…Chris Rolinson”
• “No, that didn’t happen in the book, don’t get it confused love””
• “It’s all a bit tedious isn’t it love”
• “let’s see the feminine side in you boys, you’ll need it for these poems”
• “Don’t encourage him love, I don’t think he’s quite all there”
• “He’s a ‘trouble at mill’ type”
• “You don’t have to ask, love, just slip out quietly if you’re doing orals”
• “There’s only 26…who’s missing?”
• “You’ll have a night with me if you don’t shut up Sean”
• “Tell your parents you wont be coming home if that work’s not up to scratch”
• “Ah..Ah, have you checked it thoroughly?”
• “Right, go quietly love…. Er one-way system…good girl”

Jesus...I don't mind admitting I urinated a tad reading these, I was giggling like a schoolgirl.

Right, back to normal blog-time ASAP,

Love and shutting the door

Jc

Saturday 24 April 2010

Trials and Tribulations

Ran out of toilet paper today, had to use the Daily Mail for its true purpose. If only Quentin Letts knew what I've just used his face for. Sorry to get off to such a vulgar start, then again I'd hope the majority of the people who do regularly read this (and I know there are a few sick people out there who've shown yourself to me) are used to the low brow humour. I wouldn't say this blog is low-brow actually, I'd just say it was actually honest and about what I want to say. I want to say sweet F.A. about the election unlike everybody else. It can be summed up by this quote from EVERYBODYS FUCKING FAVOURITE BANDWAGON UNDERDOG Nick Clegg.

"The other two (party leaders) shouldn't get involved in such cheap political point scoring".

A cheap political point well made Nick. That's all it is, its equivalent to the parties playing Hungry Hungry Hippos, with all them blabbering and garbling trying to get as many votes in their mouth without any real thought about what all these promises will mean a few months/years down the line (I've just found out I've won the worst metaphor award from George W. Bush). I did think about voting for Nick Clegg at one time, just because he seems to be the only leader who can look after their kid without it dying. I may have gone too far, I've just spent about a minute now thinking whether I should go back and delete that but I don't think I will. Can anybody else not help but sing out 'Texture like Sun' every time someone mentions Gordon Brown? Enough about those guys anyway, in the end I'd rather have Nick Knowles leader than Nick Clegg.

I've got an appallingly bad throat and nose that's leaking like a mo-fo, which means I'm spending the next few days in bed until it passes, which shouldn't be too hard going. This is only because spending all day in bed watching Diagnosis Murder is beneficial to my health. The soothing tones of Dick Van Dykes voice has remarkable healing powers on the upper respiratory system, whilst the Loose Women harlots, although totally repulsive 99% of the time, clenches all passageways on sight, making leaky noses nigh-on impossible.
I'm open to people wanting me to answer whatever questions again, it was quite fun last time so just post them here or on my Facebook and I'll answer all, if none come in then you're just all bastards.

So Orbit have brought out a Pina Colada flavour chewing gum. Great, so now when I come back home and my Mum sees me stagger in, not only does she think I've been drinking, she also thinks I'm gay.


Love and 1,2,3,4 ALPHABET!

Jc

Friday 23 April 2010

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Being in hospital really brought my life in perspective, by that I mean I could have developed a serious heart condition and would have had to cut down on Chicago Town Pizzas, putting several hundred jobs at risk.
Got a fair bit of work to do this week, all due in for the end of the month, a short story, a memoir and self assessments for both. I don't see the point in self assessments, we just seem to be doing the jobs of the teachers, (and I call them teachers god dammit, I hate the word lecturers, its far too near the word lecherous, I could call a few teachers from my secondary school lecherous...) they should be assessing us not ourselves, I understand the need for our own point of view on our work, but to ask us 'how good a job did you do with this task' will only be receiving one answer from everyone who answers it, which is, 'I did a fricking A job at it'.

Ever since I was little, if I was ever upset my Mum would give me money to go to the sweet shop. Thanks to Manic Depression I now look like a fucking American.

A little interlude there. Theres an article on The Guardians Culture website page, about a group of comedians and comic performers who are touring, all of who have or do have some kind of mental illness, their aim being is to show people that the stereotypes which surrounds mental illnesses are completely false, and have a stigma attached to them which has still not been completely ridden of. I remember talking to a guy who was at a case study I volunteered for in Cambridge about 2 years ago, the guy, a schizophrenia sufferer was explaining to me that the only time you see the words schizophrenia attached to someone in the media is either a criminal or the publics representation of someone with multiple personalities who has gone 'insane'.
In a large, representative sample from a study in 1999, 12.8% of Americans believed that people with Schizophrenia were "very likely" to do something violent against others, and 48.1% said that they were "somewhat likely" to. People with Schizophrenia are often likely to be targeted as a victim of violent crime, 14 TIMES, yes, 14 TIMES more often than they are perpetrators of the violence.
One more fact before I shut the hell up. Japan, in 2002, changed the name of Schizophrenia, where they call it Seishin-Bunretsu-Byo, or Mind-Split-Disease to Tōgō-shitchō-shō, or Integration Disorder to reduce the stigma surrounding the disorder, the name change meant that it increased the percentage of cases in which patients were informed of the diagnosis from 36.7% to 69.7% over three years, nearly double. Now give this a read bitches...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2010/apr/22/cracking-up-mental-health-comedy


My psychiatrist told me that to help my depression, I should try being a bit more optimistic, so tonight I'm going to drown myself in a half-full bath.

Love and Pets Win Prizes

Jc

Thursday 22 April 2010

You'll just feel a small sharp scratch...

AHH YOU BITCH THAT WAS MORE THAN A FRICKING SCRATCH, AND NOW I'M BLEEDING UNCONTROLLABLY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS HEY?!
Not an over-reaction at all, I just hate needles. I had to go into hospital because I decided to go sleepy sleepy snoozy snoozy on the bathroom floor to awake half an hour later covered in noseblood, I thought it'd be best to go to hospital. Only got out an hour ago, they said I passed out due to "stupidly high blood pressure", which I don't quite understand, but might explain why I get nosebleeds every few days or so. The night, (or nights, I got there at 4 in the morning) was dominated by the arrival of one George Somebody, who was a 97/98 year old man with dementia and a broken arm, who was utterly hilarious and kept me entertained all night, regaling me with stories about his wife who passed away and life in the 60s smoking silly things and having a funky time even though he was off the generation who were known to have 'not liked this swinging sort of music and life'. I do hope he's OK, he seems it, he seems like he's followed Dylan Moran's way of living, as in "do whatever the hell you want, drink what you want, smoke what you want, live how you want, as when you're older you can get other people to clean up after you. "Nurse! I've shat myself again, clean it up now!""
I was followed by a pigeon on the way to the hospital shop for about 2 minutes, it was a small pigeon I think it must have thought I was his Mum for some strange reason, maybe because I've got pigeon breasts, I don't know. But he followed behind me (and I mean right behind me for like 3 minutes or so, crossing the road when I did and whatnot) but stopped when I got to the doors to go inside. I picked up my newspapers, peanut M&Ms (nom) and apple Tizer (nom Nom) and left the shop, coming out the door, to see the pigeon waiting for me, I knew it was the same pigeon as we had built up a rapport. Well, ladies and gentlemen, the pigeon kept to its clingy personality and kept on following me. We crossed the road at the zebra crossing, but my pigeon friend spotted a tasty food morsel and stopped on the zebra crossing, which prompted him/her to be ran over by the oncoming car. I have to say I felt sad. Extremely sad. Rather him/her than me though.
RIP Clingy the Pigeon.

Love and Planet Corduroy

Jc

Tuesday 20 April 2010

Jesus 650 views, thats more views than my face gets in a year...

I don't try my damnedest to swear. I've never swore in front of my Mum or my main family (except my Dad) in my life. And I'm proud of that fact. I respect them, but as I'm now aware that several family members have read this, I just can't see me changing my sweary sweary ways, as its not directly to them or indeed aimed at them, so I feel it shouldn't matter. I was surprised that when I found out my family had read this blog, filled with frustration and childish jokes and blog entries that shouldn't be aired before 10pm and come with its own bleeper button, I didn't lay off the toilet mouth, I suppose its just how you naturally write, or how your internal monologue talks, and what I've found out is, that you can't really change that, or if you did, it shouldn't be changed. Lets just put it this way, I won't be appearing on fucking CBeebies anytime soon.
Then again I'm loving the idea of me with a bottle of Frosty Jacks held in each hand trying to co-present Prank Patrol whilst crying over the fact that Dave Benson Phillips doesn't appear on TV anymore. Or shouting abuse at the woman with one arm who hosts CBeebies, anyone seen her? Please tell me it wasn't a dream. She can hold one bottle of frosty Jacks then. Or two if I sellotape one to her stump.
I'm in double figures for followers! Wooo! 11 people will read this crap, I feel sorry for you all, well I don't actually know if they read it or not, but lets just presume hey? I'm quite surprised I haven't lost anyone along the way, not in a Saving Private Ryan kind of way, but just because I'm sure this isn't the most of accessible of blogs to everybody. Oh I got two Job interviews tomorrow, hopefully fruitful, if not fun anyway, It's quite important that I get a job for two reasons, one, I need the money, and two, my Mum will shut up when I get one. I'm not too sure which reason is the biggest outcome of being employed. Then again she'll consistently text me to tell me to take my tablets, talking of which, (takes tablets) I do forget to take my tablets a lot. You're not allowed to operate heavy machinery or drive whilst on these tablets, which I've realised the hard way is true.
I took some Prozac with some laxatives as well recently, so I've been stuck in the bathroom, but felt good about it.
I'm off, podcasts need watching and a Cornetto needs eating.

Love and "running rats only a pound"

Jc

For those of you that don't know me.

My idea of flirting is either a raise of an eyebrow, or if I'm feeling friendly, a grunty 'Hello'. Anything beyond that is a dead-cert to get on the sex offenders register nowadays. I'm joking of course.
But being totally serious its impossible for me to get to the stage where I can confidently 'flirt' or tell the girl I like them. I can talk to them, make friends with them, help them out, meet up with them, but at the very hint of them (I can count how many times this has happened on one hand), grabbing my hand or leaning onto me, or resting their head on my shoulders, I'd be more likely hit them and run off like you do to girls in Primary School than make similar signals towards them. Its like having Flirt Blindness or Aspergers of the Sexy Kind.
Whether I'm not I'm stupid for being in the mindset of waiting till a girl asks me out is unknown, and would probably want some advice from those reading, I'm being totally serious. That's how crap at this dating lark I am. I'm not too sure how I got with my last (and only) girlfriend, I think it was just a case of waiting for so long, we both probably realised I ain't going to make the move so just made a mutual agreement to go out with one another. That is till she did the dirty on me with a cabaret singer who sings in hotels whilst I was in hospital abroad with sunstroke. You can't write this stuff.
There's a couple of girls who I like. And that's as much as I'm going to expand on that. They might come up to me and I might shit my pants in fear and run off.

Love and awkward silences.

Jc

News: Woman Falls Asleep And Wakes Up With Chinese Accent. This happens everyday in China.

I'm sure all of you yesterday would have been like "DUDE where was your post yesterday? I CANNOT live without your innate ramblings, don't leave me hanging EVER again", and I'd be like "LOLWHUT? OK dude". Thats exactly what it'd be like. Got two job interviews tomorrow, one for a cooking job and another for an advertising job. Both would be quite fun I hope, more importantly though, I desperately need one to fund my way through next year of University, where I'm only part time because I'm such a fricking stupid tool I can't handle full-on work with me crazy brain.
Got poker tonight, for the first time in a few weeks, hopefully I'll come first instead of second like I have thrice before, I'd probably just stick it straight back in my account, but what I'd realli liek to do is buy a DS and a Pokemon game, relive my 13 year old days.
Watched the guys play with their RC planes today, was hilrous, half the time they didn't work then when they did work they either crahsed into the trunk of the tree like Ormskirks own 9/11 or just got stuck in the branches, prompting them to throw cluster bombs of stones up there in the hope of it falling out. In the end it ended up with one not working and one with no front wheels and a damaged nose. I never thought Uni would be this easy, drinking cider, going out on the grass in your trackies and slippers and trying to find fun people to talk to on chatroulette.
I don't think I've had a happier period of my life since now. I'm just happy that Edge Hill decided to give me a place even though not having qualifying grades or marks to get in. Will make them see they made a good choice someday I'm sure.
Short sharp entry today, no news stories, will post another later on tonight which will be funnier and worth reading.

Love and Ash Ketchums Mum

Jc

Sunday 18 April 2010

What has 2 legs in the morning, 24 legs in the afternoon and 57 legs at night?

A man who has decided to collect legs.

Moneys a bitch isn't it. From the couple of quid in your pocket to the £10 you find on the floor to the odd pony in your bank account to the hundreds you stole from that hooker. I hate it. I don't get how people can budget. If theres 2 things I'm not good at, its remembering things, and budgeting my money. My Mum worked in a bank for nearly half her life and yet shes as crap at it as I am. God knows what I'm going to do when I'm out of University with a full time job and a mortgage. I hope I'm one of the lucky few where a major event in there life means they come out debt free straight away, with no need for a credit card or checks to see if you have any CCJs. I met get extremely lucky and actually find a partner, I'll let her control all that stuff, she can just give me an allowance like a kid. "There you go Josh, here's your money for the week, don't spend it all at once and don't spend it all on crap", that's what it would be like, its what my Mum used to say to me. Jesus I'm not saying I want my next partner to be like my Mum, that's a Freudian slip if ever I saw one.
I wish I was slightly slimmer. Not totally slim, I'd hate that, I wouldn't want to be all tall and slim, I'd just like to muscle up my stomach and eat a little Ben and Jerrys Phish Food so its a bit of in between, I'm not the kind of man who could go into the gym for hours on end every day, I mean I could go in there a few times a week for an hour or so, but I know I'd get bored and hop into the McDonalds next door. What is it with that? every time I see a branch of Fitness First or Bannatynes Health Club theres a fricking Maccys or KFC next to it! I'm sure they're business partners.
Does obesity run in Liverpudlian families? No it fucking waddles. I'm sorry, I love the place, and I hope to have many more years in the Merseyside (probably in the Mersey if I keep on offending the area), but Ormskirk has some tubby kids about. Its a pot calling a kettle black I know as I'm not a beanpole myself, but seriously theres a few kids in this town of which size, 10 years ago, we just wouldn't have seen. Is it due to Captain Birds Eye? McDonalds? Or just pikey Mums?
This blog post really has turned into one of those entry's where I really have nothing to talk about. I feel like a long distance taxi driver talking to a deaf passenger. Except I'm not racist. I have plenty of...oh.

Joke.
My mum said to me the other day "You treat this house like a hotel". Telling her I have never paid for porn on the television may have not been the best answer.

Ps.
I've recently found out that my Mum reads this. Hello Mum! Love you!

Love and downing bottles of Calpol.

Jc

Saturday 17 April 2010

Tumbleweed

Its 3am.
There's nothing on TV.
There's no-one online.
There's no new Redtube videos.
Its time for a blog.

Hello. I don't really go on Redtube can I just say say. Ahem. It's a shame not everyone is open about talking about things like that. I'm not just talking about your Internet history, but when conflicts and arguments occur. People tend to say that they "don't mind speaking out when someone says something wrong" or that they "aren't afraid at speaking above the crowd". Its got me in trouble a few times, and its left me in a few situations where comments are made by me, then instantly followed by a long period of awkward silence. I was the master at it at secondary school. I hated secondary school with an absolute passion. A good 80% of people in my year I could have easily hit over the head with a blunt object, the reason for this hatred is unknown, it might be that I was just taking out my frustrations on whatever was close by. I missed a good 50% of classes in Year 10 and an easy 80-90% of classes in Year 11 just down to my fear and paranoia working with other people, I just remember getting scared at people thinking they'd see me complete my rituals, and that they'd say something.
I remember really liking a girl in Year 8 and 9, we were getting along famously, I loved talking to her, and then for the first time, the OCD just flared up, I got these "what-ifs" in my head. "What if she finds out you have to count your steps everywhere you go", "What if she finds out that every time you touch something, you have to touch it in a set order". Long and short of it is that it just fizzled out due to my negatives thoughts in my mind. Its probably my greatest regret I have. Not just because I'd like to see if me and the girl would have got on, I mean, we were 14-15 at the time, hardly any relationship at that age can be taken too seriously, (even though I freaking would have loved to ha ha) but I just wonder if I'd fought back at the thoughts, maybe I could have saved myself a lot of hassle, and maybe I wouldn't want to hit 80% of my ex-classmates on the back of the head with a shovel.
People should be more open about their problems and grievances, for every horror story that someone has, someone will have a similar one ten times worse. I'd say that I'm very lucky to have what I have on such a minute scale, It could have driven me away from my Mum, my family. It could have meant I wouldn't have my friends. Or I wouldn't have made it to University and made friends with a hell of a lot of people who probably still can't deal with my open-ness (sic) and twattishness (sic) yet. They will with time. I hope.
I'm not too sure if I was raised to be this open about myself as I am, my Mum couldn't for the life of her stand up on stage, and the closest my dad gets to being open is the trash talk he spews out whilst playing me at pool (Him and I have always said that he's a shit Dad, but an awesome best friend, and love him loads), I think I got who I am today, from my Uncle Alex somehow, who my Mum has said, is basically me, but he's thinner (and more good looking, my Mum didn't say that part, but I concede that to him). I'm afraid of opening one of these Formspring accounts because I don't think people will expect the kind of answers I'd give, I guess I'd give it a shot soon and see what happens.
Apologies for the lack of funnies, will post another one about whatever in my mind at the time, or whatever people want me to talk about. I have to say as well, I only have 9 followers, and I post this up to Facebook whenever I write a new blog, but thank you for looking at my page 500 times. I have either a load of one time lookers, or 9 people of whose names I'll be handing into the police for excessive looking. I'm sure that's a charge. If not I'll just say you 9 people raped me.
See what I mean? Too far. I smell an awkward silence.

Love and Get Shorty 2: Get Shorter

Jc

La Triviata

I've become prone to setting both my alarm clocks, the one my Mum bought me because my old one stopped working, and my old one that was not working, but has now regenerated (read: started working again) so I wake up to Dolby Digital-esque ringing in my ears, with one clock on the right side of my bed and the other one on the left. Its like being in the movies. Except the movie is me waking up with an erection (hello family reading this) and the sound is a clanging of constant bells.
My morning plan after getting to sleep at like 4-5 o clock after watching either a crappy horror movie (seriously, Horror Movies of the 1980s-2000s would probably be my specialist subject on Mastermind) after the usual 3 S's of any man (Shit, Shower, Shave) is find a cleanish t-shirt, week old jeans and one of my many blazers, pair of shoes, lovelier the better, and boom out the door. Totally forgetting to take my tablets, wallet, keys, and Uni bag. Meaning a trip back to the halls, ringing of the doorbell to let me in and getting and doing my essentials.
I have an appalling memory, its my greatest weakness, as hard as I try I fail miserably at remembering my family's birthdays, its taken me 19 years to finally remember my Mums, and that was purely down to the fact that I now use the number 28 as a lottery number and a lucky roulette number. I know one of my cousins birthday and not my Dads because her birthday is on the 14th November, one day before my own. I tell people, its not ignorance, its just an inability to remember basic facts. I remember my ex's birthday is September 11th, just because of the events that happened on that day. Ironic as that relationship crashed and burned and involved outside sources.
Remembering peoples names is a nightmare as well, I normally attach nicknames to faces and hope that someone mentions the name of the person I'd only know as Moley Left Cheek or Higher Hairline Than My Own. I do have an ability at remembering odd facts, one of my favourites being that the Sun is 330,330 bigger than The Earth and that there is a McDonalds across the street from the Vatican? I think that's a disgusting sight, especially when you're trying to enjoy your Big Mac.
I'm off, my night tonight consists of a pizza, a few episodes of whatever is on Dave, a couple of hours reading American Psycho and then an apparently good horror film called Session 9. Funky-delic (My new word)

Love and wondering why I get more disheartened about animals getting killed in films than humans.

Jc

Friday 16 April 2010

The Girls in their Summer dresses

Its summer. To me its Summer anyway. Oh I forgot..

Katie Price has said that "Alex will be in my life forever"
The only bloke that will be in your life forever is the ITV2 cameraman.

Good? Crap? Let me know.

Yeah its Summer. I hate Summer. I have the same amount of hair on me as a polar bear, and I'm as just as concerned as them as global warming, I'm sweaty in a stuffy branch of Iceland let alone a barbecue in bright sunshine. The one upside to Summer is that the girls always appear prettier, some of them so pretty you're so focused on their face you forget to look at their breasts. There hasn't been to many winged insects yet, I'm not scared of them, they just seem to get everywhere. I remember back in my hometown of Fleetwood, my Auntie and Uncle had beach chalets, and directly behind the beach chalets was a paddling pool. There was once a summer so infested with winged ants (yeah you heard, winged ants, neither did I) that the paddling pool had a thick layer of the dead flying creatures. All Summer long, we wasn't able to go into the pool because of the insect equivalent to skin of a bowl of custard.
I've had a haircut, against everybodys advice, they seemed to enjoy my Jack Nicholson-esque side curls, whether this was due to an odd joy at knowing a guy with hilariously untamed hair or just fashion advice (you never know, having hair either side of your head that would stick to Velcro might be 'in' right now), I don't know. But I like it, its odd, its short, but I haven't had it in this style before, its possibly just that I haven't had it short in such a long time that I've forgotten what its like, but I'm happy, thats the main thing. Maybe kids won't run away now. I could make a sick joke here but I'll allow you to make up your own.
I'm going to get going, I have a craving for watching Bottom. Jesus Christ. I'm pulling all the innuendos out the bag tonight.

Love and Pixie Lotts legs (nom)

Jc

Readers Questions Number 1

I sent out a message on Facebook asking for questions or topics to talk about as 14 posts in, I needed something a little out of the ordinary. So I present to you, Readers Questions Number 1.

Danny Williams
"that bit between your ball sack and bumhole."

Jesus Christ. Don't wikipedia Perineum unless you like life size (well, it was life size on my big-ass TV-computer combo) goochs on your flatscreen. Apparantly its one of the 6 erogeneous zones on a mans anatomy, which means its very sensitive (or highly ticklish, probably not wise to tickle their if you're having a tickling fight or you might get slapped with some sort of court order).
The wikipedia article also states that 'in popular culture, its often called the "taint", "grundle", "chode", "banus", "gooch" or "shwaf". So now you know. I prefer Phill Jupitus' and Phil Wilding's colloquilism "Biffins Bridge".
Im going to stop now as I can feel my testorone dripping away from me looking at the wikipedia "shwafs".

Emma Louise Stewart
"write about Men and your feet!"

Right. Men have one problem, and one problem only. Men are proud animals, if our pride comes into question we lose any sense of whats right and whats not and we'd do anything to gain it back again. I've lost my pride a few times and its not a nice thing. The main thing men lose pride over is F*CKING WOMEN. Everytime I see a mate being pussy-whipped I shed a tear. And every time I shed a tear "an ox dies just by looking at my sad face". Not my words, the words of Pippa KCP Georgeson.
My feet are size 11 but have the ability to fit into size 9's.

Jordan Whittaker
"how you would fortify your house if the zombie apocalypse occurred?"

My bedroom back in Fleetwood was awesome, it was on the top floor and was the only room up there. Being the insomniac type, I'd spend many a night wondering what I'd do if the z-words attacked. I actually measured the length of my kingsize bed and compared it with the width of the doorway, and saw that the bed conveniently squished inbetween, making the door unopenable to the oncoming zombie hordes. Of course food would be a problem, but solved thanks to the velux window in my bedroom, from which you could slide down onto the roof, onto the kitchen extension below, therefore gaining access to a relatively large amount of food and water.
If all else fails I wouldn't think twice about eating my delicious dog Lola. for my Mum I'd probably think four times, but eat her anyway. Its what she would want.

Love and braaaaaaaaaaaains

Jc

Wednesday 14 April 2010

Not me but...

Affluent white kids purporting to be of black ghetto stock.

Pastier than the Pilsbury dough-boy and talking patois. "Ya know wha' I mean, bro, innit?"

Listening to Gangsta Rap and throwing complicated hand gestures at the other white residents in yo 'hood whilst wearing a baseball cap incorrectly and a hooded top that your Mum bought for you.

Pretending to like Ice T and secretly listening to Katy Perry.

Lurking around outside McDonalds with some other nice white middle class boys dressed as Crips desperately wishing to impress equally nice middle class white girls dressed as prostitutes.

Pissing away the most crucial, formative years of your life in your all-out quest to appear dangerous and non-conformist, just like all those other dangerous, non-conformists sitting around you eating their McBurgers and dropping the wrappers to show their dangerous, non-conformist attitude.

Dreaming of the day your parents will buy you that Vauxhall Corsa so that you can add a huge stereo to play with the windows wound down, a ridiculous skirting and body-kit, and the undersill neon strip-lighting which will let you pretend you're Vin Diesel as you hit the redline at forty-seven miles an hour down the Purley Way.

You are the future of this nation and I despise you all.

Love and that appalling kind of music

Jc

Tuesday 13 April 2010

Fight or Flight

Just came back from a night out. Probably a few hours too early. How come some small minority of guys, (could be a large minority, but I don't really watch men that often) find it incredibly easy to talk to girls and chat them up? Its my one area of inexpertise, a skill I lack with so much might, its a total fricking suprise I've had one girlfriend let alone zero. We were together for like 9 months so I can consider her an ex, not these 13-14-15 year olds who declare the latest squeeze their love of their......I've just realised, thats a common thing to talk about. I don't like common things to talk about. I'm abnormal so I'll get on to me haha.
I have all areas of my life sorted out, I feel perfect how I am, which is a tubby, slightly balding 19 going on 30 year old with a view on life which is 10% nihilistic, 30% cynical and an ever changing 60% between extreme optimism, hyperactivism and pissed off. I'd just like this area to be awesome. I'm totally aware these things cannot be rushed, and rush I don't. But I have to be happy that every other area of my life seems fantastic, and for that Im grateful for the people that keep my feet on the ground and myself feeling so priviliged.
I had some responses from my last blog come in, regarding the jokes I wrote down. Thankyou for all of them, hopefully audiences will like them as much as you did and apologies if you guys are in the audience and you hear them haha, jokes are never funnier the second time around.
And yes, Im perfectly aware Im going to hell. Will see you guys there. Hell, or reincarnated as a blobfish, google it. I refuse to link it, I'm not your Mum.

Love and the news that Supergrass have split up. Boo.

Jc

Monday 12 April 2010

What the hell am I good at?

I've dipped my hand in a few proverbial jars throughout the years, I remember coming third in a competition to find the best young cartoonist for the comic The Beano when I was 12 or 13. Im no good at it now, it was just the quality of my idea that got me to that stage. It was called Dr. Shrew and was a play on the Dr. Who theme, years before Dr. Who came back to our screens. It featured a sidekick called C@ (think K9) and enemies called the Cowlichs (think Daleks) with curly hair and a camp demeanor. I loved it, and apparantly was good enough to get throught to the final which was held at Southport as far as my memory serves me, and I met all manner of cartoonists from The Beano and Dandy, which was a big deal for me at the time, haha.
My latest fad, I mean, phase, is stand up comedy, and after only having a handful of gigs and a hell of a lot of personal material, I want this to actually get somewhere, as a hobby, no more. I look at people and see that they have some kind of talent, and it confuses me why I haven't got something, which annoys me. I have to say I have top drawer cynicism expertise. But as far as Im aware this isn't considered a hobby. Which is an outrage. I have a gig on Friday it seems and really should get round to practising for it, but I always feel that if I cram on the night before, just like exams, I can blurt anything that I remember or think about off my chest and raise a few laughs. Well thats the plan.
Im never allowing any of my family that I wouldnt swear in front of to see my comedy, its on the wrong kind of weird, and as a off-the-track Catholic, I can confidently say (if theres is such thing as the place) I'm going to hell. But its more fun leading a shocking life. I've gave a few choice cuts from my set below, have a read. I have to say actually, I find it quite easy to separate this side of me from the side that has Sunday Dinner with the family. Anyhoo. Don't say I havent warned you. I havent. But now I have.

Mum once said there's plenty more fish in the sea. Yes mum but I don't want to fuck a fish.
My girlfriend is great. If I could describe her in 3 words they would be smart, beautiful and imaginary.
Kate Moss said that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. I didn’t fancy her before. Especially now I know she doesn’t swallow.
Kerry Katona had her daughters’ names tattooed on her wrists to ensure she’ll never slit them. Or masturbate again, presumably.
I don't watch a lot of porn, I find a couple of minutes does the job.
My girlfriend had an infection but I still went down on her. I’m from Lancashire. We’ll eat anything with batter on it.
When the subject arises and I tell people I have OCD, it annoys me when people say “ooh yeah I think I’ve got that”, you haven’t got that, you’re just overly tidy, like Kim Woodburn, its offensive to people with the real affliction too. Its like me saying “Yeah I’ve kind of got Parkinsons” whilst in fact Im just shaking due to the cold. I had to break up with my girlfriend because of my OCD, it just really got to me that her vagina wasn’t symmetrical. And I know I haven’t got the perfect sexual organs myself, I mean my penis looks like an aborted Labrador fetus, but her vagina looked like it had had a stroke.
I've always fancied girls with palindromic names. Anna. Eve. Hannah. Elle. Mum.

Love and the Smurf people always forget.

Jc

Sunday 11 April 2010

Appreciation

Returned from the three days money spending trip across the Merseyside with my best mate from Fleetwood, Luke. Had an awesome time and spent a lot of time and money with a guy I've not seen a lot of recently. Which has really got to me. I'm a big family man, and have a lot of people at home who I care about a lot and who care a lot for me, and I miss them dearly, but I always know that there on the other end of the phone or just a car trip away. But with my mates, theres not always that option, so you can go for months without seeing people you previously saw every day or at least a few times a week, it really gets to me. So you appreciate the times you get to see them a hell of a lot. Hopefully I'll have them up here again very soon.
Got my student loan in of somewhere in the region of £2000 last Wedneaday/Thursday, which is a massive weight of my mind, bought a crapload of stuff I dont need but thats what monies for, hey? Haha. Clothes, DVDs, little accessories I'll never use. I'm a happy man :D
No jokes or stories to tell you today, I'm hungover and brain not function well yeah?
Back to usual 'wrong side of weird' mood tomorrow.

Love and Nazi Gold

Jc

Wednesday 7 April 2010

Guadaloupe Massive

I sometimes wonder how we get to gain our paticular group of friends. Is it chance? Similar interests? Determinism? I have friends who all I share in common with is the same school and the same peverted warped sense of humour. Of course if I give it a little more thought I'd be able to come up with many more things that we share in common. But they'd be things that don't instantly come to the top of my mind, so do they really matter in friendship? Or is it just the main factors, in this case peverted warped sense of humour and the same school?
There are things my friends do that I'd never do. People who know me well, know that I have weird hygiene 'rules' about me, something a couple of my friends just don't adhere their own bodies to. Which makes me retch and do my 'giggle like a schoolgirl' giggle at the same time. Similarly theres things that I say that I just couldn't mention to anyone else but my friends for fear of being burned at a stake or locked up for a breach of public peace.
Same goes for girlfriends, myself, have only had one girlfriend, which ended disastrously and on bad terms, but how'd do we get to be with these partners? In this instance it was sheer resilience on my part and the same class in psychology, but would we have got together without a certain amount of resilience or without having the same class in psychology? If you believe that I would have, surely it means you fall into the camp of determinism (i.e. free will is impossible, and our path is, in laymans terms, already planned due to our previous choices).

How very serious of me. And such an abrupt end. But it was in my mind, so thought I'd write about it.
United lost. Gutted. In other news, a German family tried to bring a dead body through Liverpool John Lennon airport, the airport crew got suspicious when the cadaver was the only body not drinking the bar dry and swearing at the staff.
AND WITH THAT APPALLING JOKE I'LL MOVE ON.
Got friends coming to Ormskirk tomorrow, I've bought a bottle of Smirnoff Apple Vodka and a cheap bottle of Apple Sourz. It'll be, hopefully, an odd and enjoyable weekend filled with tequila cocktails and the comedy stylings of Fighting Talk.
I probably won't be posting for a couple of days as well, so you'll have 2 days without this shit. Huzzah.

Love and A Stroll Through Hive Manor Corridors

Jc

Tuesday 6 April 2010

Duuuuuuuude. DUUUUUUUUUUDE!

DUDE!
Hello Women, Men and the inbetween, its been a while, Im back in rainy Ormskirk and ready for some changes, but people always say that so Im not going to write about that, if theres one thing I want this blog to be is weird and interesting to read. Which is why today I'll talk about the people I hate.
Like most lists we'll start with number one.

Number One.
Robbie Savage - He falls to the ground holding his head on an average of 1.8 times a game. And thats a bona fide fact. He likes that we hate him as well, which irritates me even more, and also, if he played for my team, Manchester United, I'd love him. Which makes me hate him even more.

Number Two.
The Bloke of Embarassing Bodies - Just look at his smarmy face. For a man who enjoys looking at sphincters and penises (or is it penii?) hes got one hell of a one sided grin on his smarmy large face. Look at his face. Smarmy. Look at it.

Number Three.
People who buy Twirls over any other chocolate bar. I don't get it.

Number Four.
Any woman apart from Jo Brand on QI or Mock The Week or so forth - Its a scientifically recognised fact that if there's a woman comedian on QI apart from Jo Brand, shes not going to be funny.
Cases in point: Lauren Laverne, Shappi Korsandi et al.

Number Five.
Stephen Kings face - For a man with so much talent in him, I'd expect him to have a tad more...likeable face, this is how my mind works. He looks like he'd be an arsehole to meet on the street. Even though I love him to high heaven.

Number Six.
Patrick Kielty - He branded himself as a childrens TV presenter at one time, then a TV presenter, now a comedian. But he's not funny, he's probably much funnier than me no doubt, but thats not that hard, he takes the piss out of other comedians who could quite easily tear him apart. An odd man.

Number Seven.
Harry Potter and N-Dubz - joined together because I can't bear writing a paragraph about the gunts. Apart from Emma Watson.

Love and Shannon Matthews mum

Jc

Thursday 1 April 2010

That feeling which you can only say in French..

Good day madamouselle, apologies for the massive gap inbetween blogs, no internet connection at home makes this a hard hobby/perversion to keep up on. Following on from my last blog I had a few responses worrying about the state of mind I was in, wondering why the hell they're friends with this mad man, and even one said they believed every word I said, which was interesting. I wrote it for two reasons, to see the responses (success!) and to see if my writing has improved since I'd started the Creative Writing and English course, and I believe it has. So a double success.
Im back home in Fleetwood with my family, which is awesome, and seen all my old friends again, which has been fun and interesting just to see whats happened to them in the month I haven't seen them (not a lot, is the answer), I'm back to Ormskirk in a weeks time to sign the papers for the accomodation next year and to start going to the interviews for the jobs I've applied for. Theres a fact that in the NHS, they throw away half the applications right away without looking at them as they normally get so many. If this is true, then I'm a lucky son of a bitch, as I've got 5 interviews with them coming up ranging from clerical work to night cook. Oh, and another job interview for working in a prison. Which is scary but could be a hell of a lot of fun.
I won some tickets to see Fighting Talk the other day as well, its an awesome radio panel show featuring comedians and pundits, a little like They Think Its All Over. But funny. And no Phil Tufnell. Can't wait for it, should be alot of fun, going with 3 of my mates, and the night before we're going out into Ormskirk for a few more tequilas and cocktails, we'll be hilariously drunk, I imagine.
Not an interesting post today, as its not been an interesting day, back to my old self in a couple of days I guess.

Love and Bob Mills

Jc