German sausages are the wurst

Whattup.
I'm back in Ormskirk after a 6 hour trip on a cramped coach which involved me circling the Northern part of Great Britain like a fly's journey from A to B. Seriously, I know know whether the driver had A.D.D. or he just fucking loves taking people on magical mystery tours through the arse end of nowhere. I'm sure we went through Bradford twice and Moss Side three times. I'm pretty confident each time we entered Moss Side I heard a gun shot. They're like magpies there, one for sorrow, two for joy...Good morning Mr. Asbo.
They are some good people in this world, I do try my best but its people like the woman I met last night (get your mind out the gutter) that really show you that people can be extremely thoughtful for the lost and confused (ie. Me). I was trying to find a way home from Hell, I mean Hull, and I asked a woman if she knew of any cheap B&Bs about that would still have vacancies, I explained her the situation, and she asked me why I was carrying a 19" TV if I was going to Holland, she was a classic grandma you'd see in the movies, a larger, older lady, a plaid dress, the lot. The woman told me to come with her to the shop and she'd help me find a Yellow Pages. What with my mobile dead and no way of charging it, she lent me hers and let me ring what must have been 7-8 B&Bs to no avail. The whole scenario lasted a good 30 minutes, and as she pointed me off to the nearest Ibis Hotel, I told her I hoped she'd have a safe journey home and I hope I haven't caused you to miss her bus.
She'd missed her bus. And she was so jolly about it, what with me feeling guilty, she made me feel like I'd done her a favour, instead of the other way round. I managed to say thank you, but if for some strange coincidence and you're reading this, well you must have very poor taste, but thank you again. Without you I'd still be there no doubt pissing myself and crying like a little girl.

My girlfriend told me that I had uncontrollable OCD. Well I put her in her place.

I was bored that night in Hull, and I had my electric trimmer on me, and I have a slightly hairy back, so I tried to shave it. Bad idea. I could only reach a certain part of my back using each hand. So now, I'm being deadly serious, I have two bald strips across my back. Its like those big tree feller tanks you get in rainforest's, imagine two of them, side by side, just bombing it in a straight line through the Andes. Just paint them yellow and at least my back will be a no parking zone.

People call me Mr Compromise. It wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.

BBC News : 'Cheryl Cole Down To Only 84 Pounds' What a fucking bargain.

5 WORD NEWS REPORTS

HERR AND HIMM(LERRS) ACHTUNG BABIES
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-10891733

DYKE ON BIKE? I LIKE.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-10817463

WONDER IF THEY TASTE SAME?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-10894485

I'LL TAKE ONE IN MIDDLE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/lancashire/hi/people_and_places/arts_and_culture/newsid_8892000/8892568.stm

I'LL TAKE THE DRESS
http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/lancashire/hi/people_and_places/arts_and_culture/newsid_8754000/8754401.stm

Love and SWEET CHILLI CHICKEN

Jc