HELLO LEMMINGS
After all your attempts to get rid of me this blog is back. Apologies for lack of posts, I have no computer in Fleetwood so access to this service is unavailable. How are you all? I don't care.
I've got a job down the docks, weighing fish, packing the fish, icing the fish, putting that really annoying thick plastic tape/wrap you get on toys, that always make your ability to play with your new toys on Christmas Day zero to none for the first hour whilst you're trying to remove it. Well thats me that is, I am that guy who puts its on. Well I don't put it on toys but I put it on boxes of dead fish. And I think I was the only kid who got that at Christmas...
I'm losing weight. Steadily. Slowly but surely, I hope to end up as thin as Karen Carpenter by the end of July. But I think I love Chicago Town Takeaway 4 Cheese Stuffed Crust pizzas too much for this too happen, we'll see I guess. Apparantly ladies love men in skinny jeans, but I know what you call skinny jeans on me. Ripped.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
Blackpool are 500/1 to win the Premier League next year.
Which means if you put just £20 on them at the start of the season, you will lose £20. (sickipedia)
Nothing says 'I'm masturbating' to your neighbours like closing your curtains for 3 minutes each day.
Last night my girlfriend called me a lazy bastard.
I almost fell off my stairlift.
So yeah, my job. I get paid tomorrow, I'm spending all of it. Fuck saving it. My Mum said, "Hey Josh why don't you go out and spend your first weeks wages, then save the rest?" She was half right, I'm going to go out and spend my first weeks wages, and then next week I'm going to spend that as well. I'm going to go out and buy the biggest cheapest bottle of cider this side of the Fylde Coast.
The girl front isn't going well. I made a major leap in the whole scenario, readers know that I'm better at long distance running than talking to girls, but it turns out that this major leap I made was far too ambiguous to the girl in question, she might have just been trying to be kind. So I'm in a Catch 22 situation. The worst kind of situation there is. Even worse than a sticky situation.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
I CAN'T BE BOTHER, WILL DO THEM AT THE WEEKEND LIKE ANYONE CARES.
Love and Winnie The Pooh, how I love thee.
Jc
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
Realisations.
I miss the stupidness and eccentricity of my youth. Spending tens of pounds on water balloons and going absolutely stir fry fucking crazy with them and my best mates from back home. We used to do this every year, I remember us doing this 2 years ago when I was 17, too old to be running away from sopping wet adults after Gregs just overarmed bowled a balloon smack-bang into a pensioners temple.
Its only since coming to Uni I've suddenly thought,
Shit.
Im not a kid anymore.
And whilst this doesn't stop me from doing or acting any less childish, the voice in the back of my mind wearing a tweed jacket and reading the Daily Mail in an armchair is shouting to me "Oh for Gods Sakes Josh, why don't you just GROW UP" I, of course, ignore this twat in the bck in my mind and follow the twat that is myself and carry on regardless, but its there, and its hellishly annoying. I want someone to do it with as well, I mean of course, I have my fantastic housemates with whom I've been blessed with and my friends back home who keep me on the ground and tell me when I'm acting a knobhead and when I'm acting their type of knobhead, I'd just like a girl to do this with. One of my best mates from Fleetwood, Greg, who reads this every so often, has found a girl who appears to take him for what he his, which his an utter disgrace, but she seems the kind of girl Greg can be an utter disgrace with, not in that way, but, you know... What I'm trying to say is, they both know no morals. I just hope I find my hell-woman soon as well.
I do think I've been pushing myself trying to find a girlfriend, I think, and embarassingly so, I've only just realised I need to calm the fuck down and see where the wind takes me. Hopefully away from any psychopaths and fat chicks.
I don't follow tradition. And neither did my father, or his father before him.
The BNP have lost a couple of seats in this years election. I just hope this isn't the Rosa Parks thing all over again.
My doctor was telling me, my depression could be caused by having a small penis.
I couldn't grasp it.
Love and two in one day
Jc
Its only since coming to Uni I've suddenly thought,
Shit.
Im not a kid anymore.
And whilst this doesn't stop me from doing or acting any less childish, the voice in the back of my mind wearing a tweed jacket and reading the Daily Mail in an armchair is shouting to me "Oh for Gods Sakes Josh, why don't you just GROW UP" I, of course, ignore this twat in the bck in my mind and follow the twat that is myself and carry on regardless, but its there, and its hellishly annoying. I want someone to do it with as well, I mean of course, I have my fantastic housemates with whom I've been blessed with and my friends back home who keep me on the ground and tell me when I'm acting a knobhead and when I'm acting their type of knobhead, I'd just like a girl to do this with. One of my best mates from Fleetwood, Greg, who reads this every so often, has found a girl who appears to take him for what he his, which his an utter disgrace, but she seems the kind of girl Greg can be an utter disgrace with, not in that way, but, you know... What I'm trying to say is, they both know no morals. I just hope I find my hell-woman soon as well.
I do think I've been pushing myself trying to find a girlfriend, I think, and embarassingly so, I've only just realised I need to calm the fuck down and see where the wind takes me. Hopefully away from any psychopaths and fat chicks.
I don't follow tradition. And neither did my father, or his father before him.
The BNP have lost a couple of seats in this years election. I just hope this isn't the Rosa Parks thing all over again.
My doctor was telling me, my depression could be caused by having a small penis.
I couldn't grasp it.
Love and two in one day
Jc
The Battlecat strikes again....
Mr. Jobless is employed. I'd never thought I'd see the day. The people who I went for an interview for in Preston have employed me and I'm now employed by the Department of Work and Pensions with a full time flexible hours job which fits round my University lectures and needs fantastically. Its a dream come true. The starting salary is £13,500. which roughly works out at £250 a week. Minus, say, £150 for rent and living, and thats £100 to save, for whatever. I'm shocked and I cannot wait.
My Mums said that I'll be starting work in no sooner than 5 weeks, which means 5 more weeks of trawling through unemployment and having a lot of free time and boom, they're we go.
One thought though....
The World Cup starts in a months time....
Bastard.
I've started my £5 challenge, which involves me living off nothing but £5 for one whole week. The first day went, with me buying:
- 60p loaf
- 99p waffles
- £1 bag of chips
- 50p Limeade
- 50p 5 10p sweet bars
- 40p spice mix
I have eaten the sweets which were meant to last me the week and drank the Limeade which was meant to keep my sugar drink fix at bay for the week. This is not going to work. Its the 2nd day and I'm thinking about giving up. BUT I SHALL PREVAIL. If not for me, but for others.
No 5 WORD NEWS REPORTS today as most involve politicians and other unfunny stories.
Love and respeeeeeeect brrap
Jc
My Mums said that I'll be starting work in no sooner than 5 weeks, which means 5 more weeks of trawling through unemployment and having a lot of free time and boom, they're we go.
One thought though....
The World Cup starts in a months time....
Bastard.
I've started my £5 challenge, which involves me living off nothing but £5 for one whole week. The first day went, with me buying:
- 60p loaf
- 99p waffles
- £1 bag of chips
- 50p Limeade
- 50p 5 10p sweet bars
- 40p spice mix
I have eaten the sweets which were meant to last me the week and drank the Limeade which was meant to keep my sugar drink fix at bay for the week. This is not going to work. Its the 2nd day and I'm thinking about giving up. BUT I SHALL PREVAIL. If not for me, but for others.
No 5 WORD NEWS REPORTS today as most involve politicians and other unfunny stories.
Love and respeeeeeeect brrap
Jc
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Jump on, the bandwagons lovely
I wouldn't say I'm a man who revels in another mis-fortune, but I sure as hell know when there's humour to be made in ironic situations. I haven't heard so many people go from loving to hating someone as much as Nick Clegg since David Beckham at the '98 World Cup. To my, what could be called, jaded eyes, there seems to be two groups of people regarding this subject, people who are taking this far too seriously, and people who are making light of what can only be described as a difficult time for the UK, and laughing at the absurdity of it all.
You my dear readers can have five fucking guesses which group I'm camped out in.
(Daniel Arnold says hello, we just watched the Carlsberg England Team Talk advert, best ad in years)
Only a short blog today, I'm hungry, I may do another later if I can be arsed, with jokes and all, aren't I lovely.
Love and a long red
Jc
You my dear readers can have five fucking guesses which group I'm camped out in.
(Daniel Arnold says hello, we just watched the Carlsberg England Team Talk advert, best ad in years)
Only a short blog today, I'm hungry, I may do another later if I can be arsed, with jokes and all, aren't I lovely.
Love and a long red
Jc
Monday, 10 May 2010
Joshua Cannings is better than you
My cockiness is well noted to people that know me well. Its put a hell of a lot of people off me and as much as I try to say I'll try and stop being cocky, I just can't seem to. I've not always been like this, I remember in Year 10 and 11 being far too awkward and lacking in confidence to even enter my classrooms. So therefore comparing myself with how I was then and how I am now, its a no brainer. I bring this up because I remember glancing at my friends on my facebook account and seeing how many friends I had, last time I saw it was 390-odd, but it had now reached 408. Another look at it today as I've just added someone sees it stay at 408. Meaning someones deleted me, this does not bother me, all that bothers me is wondering what part of me made that person delete me. Cockiness? My inability to produce the pros and cons of a Conservative Government? Constant changing of my 'likes and interests'? I reached these three downfalls of mine then could not find another so gave up and started writing about waking up with a piece of a Wham bar stuck to my back.
I was happily watching Dave in what I call, my 'me-time clothes', which mainly consists of me in some baggy boxers and a pair of my Mums socks, whilst happily chewing my way through the last half of my Glucose Syrup based sweet in bed. I leant forwards to get up and brought the mattress cover with me, I stand up, stand on the cover unknowingly and proceed to rip the tiny melted piece of Wham of my (considerably, but always managed) hairy back, ending with a whimper from the very innards of my soul, and a red patch of pain on my lower back as colourful as the sweet that caused it. I've laid out a clear and present danger here guys, take great heed in eating 20p sweets in bed. Wear protection.
I wish I had other things to talk about but I don't so go away.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
EMERGENCY SERVICES NEIN NEIN NEIN! (Now that if I do say so myself is a fucking good joke)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8672781.stm
QUIT STALIN' AND GET TRAVELLIN' (Again, I've outdone myself)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8659518.stm
A) NOTHING, ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE (not so good)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8663975.stm
No jokes today. Shame.
Love and White Blu-Tack or White White-tack
Jc
I was happily watching Dave in what I call, my 'me-time clothes', which mainly consists of me in some baggy boxers and a pair of my Mums socks, whilst happily chewing my way through the last half of my Glucose Syrup based sweet in bed. I leant forwards to get up and brought the mattress cover with me, I stand up, stand on the cover unknowingly and proceed to rip the tiny melted piece of Wham of my (considerably, but always managed) hairy back, ending with a whimper from the very innards of my soul, and a red patch of pain on my lower back as colourful as the sweet that caused it. I've laid out a clear and present danger here guys, take great heed in eating 20p sweets in bed. Wear protection.
I wish I had other things to talk about but I don't so go away.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
EMERGENCY SERVICES NEIN NEIN NEIN! (Now that if I do say so myself is a fucking good joke)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8672781.stm
QUIT STALIN' AND GET TRAVELLIN' (Again, I've outdone myself)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8659518.stm
A) NOTHING, ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE (not so good)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8663975.stm
No jokes today. Shame.
Love and White Blu-Tack or White White-tack
Jc
Sunday, 9 May 2010
Mistaken and slurred
Any mention of the fucking election and you can publicly hit me in the shin. "Eurgh why'd you vote for the Tory's Josh you WANKER" "Because I want to, I agree with them, the vote will actually be worth the paper its printed on unlike everyones favourite bandwagon, SO STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'VE KILLED YOUR KIDS. And I'm gambling on the chance I'll be a millionaire when I'm older. Greedy, yes. Britain back to the Thatcher era, no."
Bunch of twunts.
Hello you averagely beautiful people, you.
You know whats becoming the soundtrack of my life? Not the gentle birds singing in the trees, or the crash of the waves back home in Fleetwood. Its the constant hum of the microwave, I'm beginning to rely on it far to heavily. I'm supposed to be someone who cooks his own food, I used to make spaghetti bolognase and steaks and fajitas 2 months ago, and now, in goes a Rustlers burger, some super noodles, whatevers to hand. I think this country would be a lot slimmer if we banned the microwave, its far to easy and I'm putting on weight because of it.
Quick note, Martini is lovely on its own, I brought a bottle of it back up to Uni and its here next to me, I opened it up just to taste what its like and its very addictive I have to say. Mmmmmmmm...Vermouth.
Oh yeah, Im attempting the £5 challenge this week, I mentioned it in an earlier blog, myself, a man who can easily spend £70 in a week, living off nothing but a fiver for a week, I'll be starting it on Wednesday, after a few drinks with my housemates on Tuesday night. Personally, I think its possible, just not possible for me. And if I do succeed, I'll try and survive the next week on £3. Which really is impossible. The money I would have spent normally, as I have said will be going to SUB. Worthy, worthy cause.
Talking of microwaves, put an egg in and leave it for 2 minutes, its fun. And tasty.
If I had a penny every time someone gave me their dog to look after, I'd have a pound.
Voting Lib Dems because you're angry at the other two parties is like sawing your balls off because your jeans are too tight.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS
Love and Thai Sweet Chicken
Jc
Bunch of twunts.
Hello you averagely beautiful people, you.
You know whats becoming the soundtrack of my life? Not the gentle birds singing in the trees, or the crash of the waves back home in Fleetwood. Its the constant hum of the microwave, I'm beginning to rely on it far to heavily. I'm supposed to be someone who cooks his own food, I used to make spaghetti bolognase and steaks and fajitas 2 months ago, and now, in goes a Rustlers burger, some super noodles, whatevers to hand. I think this country would be a lot slimmer if we banned the microwave, its far to easy and I'm putting on weight because of it.
Quick note, Martini is lovely on its own, I brought a bottle of it back up to Uni and its here next to me, I opened it up just to taste what its like and its very addictive I have to say. Mmmmmmmm...Vermouth.
Oh yeah, Im attempting the £5 challenge this week, I mentioned it in an earlier blog, myself, a man who can easily spend £70 in a week, living off nothing but a fiver for a week, I'll be starting it on Wednesday, after a few drinks with my housemates on Tuesday night. Personally, I think its possible, just not possible for me. And if I do succeed, I'll try and survive the next week on £3. Which really is impossible. The money I would have spent normally, as I have said will be going to SUB. Worthy, worthy cause.
Talking of microwaves, put an egg in and leave it for 2 minutes, its fun. And tasty.
If I had a penny every time someone gave me their dog to look after, I'd have a pound.
Voting Lib Dems because you're angry at the other two parties is like sawing your balls off because your jeans are too tight.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS
Love and Thai Sweet Chicken
Jc
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
The Way Of The Men And The Stuff
I've got a really sore neck. Anyway. I don't think I've spent a longer period in one room in years. I'm feeling very anti-social and very cruel towards my housemates for not coming out and joining them in the kitchen. They probably love the silence though, and the absence of a 17stone kid playing childish pranks on peoples bananas and hugging them and things. Its odd, as 6 months ago, I didn't know them, and now, I can shout random words at them like "PHOTOSYNTHESIS" and they'd either laugh or just carry on doing what they do. I can't tell if I've changed since I've came at University, I hope I've become a better person, better in the sense that I'm less of a twat, but I'm not too sure. I'm a constantly paranoid person thinking that people are talking about me constantly. I hear a conversation people that I know are having, I hear a word or subject I've mentioned previously an ultimately assume they're talking about me. My neck feels like Lisa Riley has used it as a bench.
I remember saying to my housemate the other day, that my biggest flaw is not knowing what my biggest flaws are, whilst gaining a laugh (eyethenkyoo) reading these blogs back I've come to realise its not true at all, whilst blogging is ultimately masturbation for our ego, and whoever says it isn't can go fuck themselves because IT IS (its the reason I started doing it anyway), blogging is like having a psychiatrist, a wonderfully cathartic and calming hobby. Anyone can do it, hell, if I can do it and fill it with shite jokes and lowest common denominator humour anyone can.
Talking of lowest common denominator humour,
You know you need to start searching for a girlfriend when your wank sock starts walking towards you when you whistle.
I was trying to write a joke about insomnia, I was up all night.
I've always wanted to be a bachelor when I'm older, the kind of guy with an easy well paid job and a nice flat and no long term girlfriend, but I think I'm only going to achieve the first two, I'm too much of a coward to tell women what I feel about them, I mean I can talk to them and go on nights out with them and there friends and things, but any further than that I become a gibbering wreck, I've maybe mentioned this before, but I've never asked a girl out and I never will, too scared of rejection, its a hurdle I've yet to jump. I'd become gay if I actually liked men that way, and if my Dad didn't kill me, and if my family weren't Catholic. I think I could ask a man out, I'm better at talking to men than women and I can be extremely persuasive. But I don't like the cock whatsoever.
Honest Dad. And Mum. Hello Mum!
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
JOSH CANNINGS HATES YOU PEOPLE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment_and_arts/10098341.stm
'YEAH BLAD' 'WHAT BLAD?' 'YEAH'
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/6733203.stm
DAILY MAIL FUNNY STORY 2
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1272740/Family-fury-Sunderland-council-spends-70-000-deathtrap-playground.html
Love and god damn headaches
Jc
I remember saying to my housemate the other day, that my biggest flaw is not knowing what my biggest flaws are, whilst gaining a laugh (eyethenkyoo) reading these blogs back I've come to realise its not true at all, whilst blogging is ultimately masturbation for our ego, and whoever says it isn't can go fuck themselves because IT IS (its the reason I started doing it anyway), blogging is like having a psychiatrist, a wonderfully cathartic and calming hobby. Anyone can do it, hell, if I can do it and fill it with shite jokes and lowest common denominator humour anyone can.
Talking of lowest common denominator humour,
You know you need to start searching for a girlfriend when your wank sock starts walking towards you when you whistle.
I was trying to write a joke about insomnia, I was up all night.
I've always wanted to be a bachelor when I'm older, the kind of guy with an easy well paid job and a nice flat and no long term girlfriend, but I think I'm only going to achieve the first two, I'm too much of a coward to tell women what I feel about them, I mean I can talk to them and go on nights out with them and there friends and things, but any further than that I become a gibbering wreck, I've maybe mentioned this before, but I've never asked a girl out and I never will, too scared of rejection, its a hurdle I've yet to jump. I'd become gay if I actually liked men that way, and if my Dad didn't kill me, and if my family weren't Catholic. I think I could ask a man out, I'm better at talking to men than women and I can be extremely persuasive. But I don't like the cock whatsoever.
Honest Dad. And Mum. Hello Mum!
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
JOSH CANNINGS HATES YOU PEOPLE
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment_and_arts/10098341.stm
'YEAH BLAD' 'WHAT BLAD?' 'YEAH'
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/6733203.stm
DAILY MAIL FUNNY STORY 2
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1272740/Family-fury-Sunderland-council-spends-70-000-deathtrap-playground.html
Love and god damn headaches
Jc
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
I'm not always like this, honest.
HELLO LEMMINGS
I've had an interesting few days. First of all went to my Dads on Friday, and got harassed by all matter of 40-something men. Saturday saw me go see Biffy Clyro, which was easily the best gig I've ever been to, surpassing my favourite band Radiohead at Old Trafford Cricket Ground. I don't know what it was about them, for the first time in my life I was free to make a fool out of myself by dancing and singing along and just generally having a superb time with my mate Luke. Monday saw me see Derren Brown for the second time with Ms. Farrell, what more can I say, freaking spectacular and an utter genius.
Anyway enough of my life, like you fucking want to know about it, you only read for the jokes don't you. DON'T YOU. Heres one.
Women have always said that men can't multitask. This morning I had a shit and a shave in the shower, I think I proved my point.
Back to what I want to say now. I'm up to 1000 views on my profile, holy mother of Satan thats impressive, well it is for someone like me who garners as much interest as an empty crisp packet on the road. Got a few job interviews coming up in Preston, frankly, travelling 45 minutes everyday to my work is as appealing as syphillis but I guess needs must if I want to fund my way through University, Im trying to find jobs closer to home but the cooking job I went for hasn't contacted me for a final response, which is just plain rude. I could ring them yeah, but its a matter of principle. That and I can't find the number for them.
I was feeling depressed again so I started an affair with a dolphin.
Now I feel my life has a porpoise again.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
SEE YOU LATER, CRUEL WORLD
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8660373.stm
WHAT A BUMMER FOR RESIDENTS
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/8660449.stm
AND THATS A SUCCESSFUL OPERATION
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/8660449.stm
DIDN'T NO DAMAGE TOO MESELF
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/8636950.stm
Love and Waitrose adverts
Jc
I've had an interesting few days. First of all went to my Dads on Friday, and got harassed by all matter of 40-something men. Saturday saw me go see Biffy Clyro, which was easily the best gig I've ever been to, surpassing my favourite band Radiohead at Old Trafford Cricket Ground. I don't know what it was about them, for the first time in my life I was free to make a fool out of myself by dancing and singing along and just generally having a superb time with my mate Luke. Monday saw me see Derren Brown for the second time with Ms. Farrell, what more can I say, freaking spectacular and an utter genius.
Anyway enough of my life, like you fucking want to know about it, you only read for the jokes don't you. DON'T YOU. Heres one.
Women have always said that men can't multitask. This morning I had a shit and a shave in the shower, I think I proved my point.
Back to what I want to say now. I'm up to 1000 views on my profile, holy mother of Satan thats impressive, well it is for someone like me who garners as much interest as an empty crisp packet on the road. Got a few job interviews coming up in Preston, frankly, travelling 45 minutes everyday to my work is as appealing as syphillis but I guess needs must if I want to fund my way through University, Im trying to find jobs closer to home but the cooking job I went for hasn't contacted me for a final response, which is just plain rude. I could ring them yeah, but its a matter of principle. That and I can't find the number for them.
I was feeling depressed again so I started an affair with a dolphin.
Now I feel my life has a porpoise again.
5 WORD NEWS REPORTS
SEE YOU LATER, CRUEL WORLD
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8660373.stm
WHAT A BUMMER FOR RESIDENTS
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/8660449.stm
AND THATS A SUCCESSFUL OPERATION
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/8660449.stm
DIDN'T NO DAMAGE TOO MESELF
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/8636950.stm
Love and Waitrose adverts
Jc
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