Crunchy Nut Boredflakes

Hello non-drunk people.
People should talk more when they're drunk. Not about people they love, people they have loved or people they will love. Just truly about themselves. I try my best to do this, hoping that people will appreciate this. And hopefully go forward and do the same. This seems extraordinarily egotistical of me, but I'm drunk, so what do you expect. I'll try and delete this in the morning, but the egotistical imp at the back of my mind will overrule me, and here it shall stand forever, a testament towards my never-ending drunkenness and big-headedness.
It's always a two way feeling seeing a friend getting so along with someone of the opposite sex. The guy I was out with tonight, a great guy I hope to be friends with a long time after this seems to be a magnet towards vagina. I seem to be the equivalent to cardboard in the magnetic-vagina stakes. I try my darndest, I tell thee, I reall do. But when I dance I seem to look like I'm having some sort of epileptic fit on the dance floor, a look like I'm trying to shift an invisible wardrobe. It's impressive to see I have to say, the speed and accuracy at people seeing to 'pull' women. It seems like it should be showcased on 'The Real Hustle'.
I got started on tonight, some guy mouthing about my moustache, saying it belonged in the 1970's. I just laughed in his face so hard, its always a good tactic, just try and show them that you're genuinely mentally ill. I suppose that tactic works even more when you actually are mentally ill, like myself, but the look on the guys face as you laugh pulling a horrendously happy face in his direction makes the awkwardness worthwhile. I'm satisfied in the knowledge if it did come down to fisticuffs he was so small and puny I'd punch him so far into next month he'd be able to give spoilers for next months Eastenders. The absolute wankshaft. If you're reading this, I'd happily have a fight with you, I'd even give you an advantage of having your fat'ass mum in the ring for me to slap about beforehand.
I'm about to be sick very soon, so I'd best go. Apologies for spelling/grammar mistakes, its too late for me to check so I'm sure the 2 or 3 of you that actually read this will be able to read it regardless.

Love and Shagga's, the worst cocktail name in the world.

Jc